“So, what am I going to tell my parents about you?”

We are sat in Frank’s car, seatbelts on, although I honestly really doubt he’s going to get hurt if we crash or something. We’re both dressed all in black, just like you ought to be when you’re going to a funereal. Though, quite frankly, I always wear black.

I still can’t believe she’s gone. Like, how do such things happen? You know someone, you love them from the bottom of your heart, you spend all your life with them, they teach you all the things you know and you want them to be part of your life but someday, they just die. Like, they suddenly disappear, no “Goodbye”, nor a letter. See, this is one of the reasons I think suicide is better- you can prepare the others and you can prepare yourself, you can let everyone know how you feel about them and what they mean to you, and in the end you ‘leave’, knowing it was your own decision, not life’s.

“I’m a friend of yours and I’m there to support you through this. Perhaps you should say that, since it’s the truth.” Of course, leaving the small detail he’s a vampire-friend, but who cares, right?

“Well, they know I don’t really have a-any friends, um…”, I trailed off awkwardly, feeling like the biggest loser on planet Earth. Not that there are any bigger losers on Mars, Mercury or Jupiter…

I feel a cold, delicate hand make its way on my knee, squeezing it gently and making me blush a little.

“You have one now”, says he, looking at me with glimmering eyes, full of meaning, promise and dedication. Then he averts his stare back to the road and continues “and I plan on sticking by, so it would be kind of hard getting rid of me, you know”, the corners of his mouth pull a little upwards at the end of the sentence, a cute little smile that makes me melt instantly.

“Not planning on doing it, actually.”, I smile slightly. “but don’t you have better friends than me or something?”

“I don’t have any friends, either. Acquaintances- of course, but friends… Friends I’ve chosen not to make. I’ve had one true friend in my lifetime, and things ended badly, so I haven’t got much fate in myself…or in people.”, he stares at the boring scenery in front of us but doesn’t seem so interested in it, he’s more driving on autopilot than actually paying attention to the road.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened with your friend?”, I ask cautiously.

“Long story”

“There’s enough time ‘till we get there…?”, I add a question tone to my statement, hopeful and curious.

He sighs.

“His name was Ray and we knew each other long time ago, many, many years before you were even born. He was around my age and was a servant at my parents’ mansion. He was the only person that understood me and perhaps cared about me. He would always chat with me in my room when he wasn’t busy and would just, you know… ‘hang out’. Spend all his spare time with me”, he went on “I taught him how to read and play the guitar- in return, he showed me things like riding horses, swimming and… love. He taught me how to love, I suppose. And we loved each other dearly, without anyone knowing about it. My parents weren’t really caring; we were getting together only for supper, really, and it seemed that it was enough for them. Even a little too much.”

“So, me and Ray were kind of together, not officially, of course, but still… something like that. I think he was the first person in my whole life I developed strong feelings for. And I know he loved me as well, it was pure and innocent affection, but then… it happened.”

“You know, the transformation. And I became this monster, then I hurt him. I hurt him in a moment of raw emotion and hunger, I was so overwhelmed. He screamed like I was going to kill him, which I was probably going to do if he hadn’t pushed me away and ran away. As I drank from him, I couldn’t stop myself. And what is ridiculous, is love was making me powerless in front of my new nature. I could not pull away, I could not do anything to stop until he finally managed to break away from my grasp. He disappeared after that and I never saw him again. He should be dead from many years now.”

Every word he said, he said it too fucking calm for such story. I’m not quite sure what to do or say so I just stay still and try seeing through him, searching for the emotion behind his words and poker face, but I can’t find such. I should be damn good, due to the fact my brother is the master of poker faces, he’s the absolute ‘Fifty Shades of Poker Face’. I clear my throat after a few long moments

“S…so. Erm, uh. That sucks… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-“

“It’s fine. I’ve never really told anyone about it and it feels good doing it.”

“Still, though. It should be hard talking about your first love that left you”

“What, so you aren’t horrified I bit the person I loved?”, he says incredulously, his eyes leaving the road for a second and looking at mine.

“Nope, I understand”, I lift my chin a little.

I do understand. He’s a vampire, after all. It’s not his fault he sometimes loses control over his instincts. Like a really thirsty man and a glass of water- who can blame him if he drinks it, even if that glass belongs to the Queen of England?

“They are not green anymore”

“What? What do you mean?”, I say, confused by the change of subject and not really understanding what he’s talking about.

“Your eyes. When you’re sad, they get very greenish. When you’re calm or happy, they look brown with a little golden in them.”, he doesn’t even turns his gaze to look at me, and it’s just making me feel uncomfortable.

“They’re back to brownish now.”
“O-oh…”

After that, we stay quiet for the rest of the journey, each one of us lost in thought. I think about life, and death, and all these things we can’t control and I seem to be so deep in thought that I don’t even see as we park in front of the graveyard’s gates, nor do I realize I am going to my grandma’s funereal as I step out of Frank’s car and go to his side, him clutching my hand in his, trying to reassure me it is going to be fine, although I’m quite sure it isn’t going to be. The group of people gathered around an open coffin, I know almost all of them. Then I see Mikey and the guilt that comes when his teary gaze meets mine, is huge. How could I leave him alone in such moment, I am not the only one grieving! Selfish idiot!

I quickly let go of Frank’s hand, looking at him meaningfully, wordlessly explaining I have to be there for my brother and waiting for him to nod in agreement, before I go to Mikey and wrap him in a tight hug. I hold him as he shakes, crying into my shoulder quietly. I wipe his tears just before they fall under his chin and tell him that I’m sorry for leaving when he needed me. I don’t even care if mom and dad have been worrying, although I’m sure they haven’t. I can feel their intense gazes boring holes in the back of my head but I do not look at them.

“She’s in a better place now, okay Mikes?”, I say, but my eyes fail to hide my emotions as tears well up in them. And I should be the strong one…

“Will- will you be okay, Mikey?”, he only nods against my chest but clings to me even tighter. I rub his back for a couple of moments before wrapping one arm around his shoulders.

“Gerard Arthur Way, it was completely irresponsible of you to run away from home like this”, I hear my dad, and I honestly can’t mistake that stern voice even if I haven’t heard it much lately. You’d probably say, ‘oh, his father just cares about him’, but no, I know him better that that, sadly. And that’s it, I won’t take his shit anymore.

“Are you really going to talk about that at your mother’s funereal, dad? Huh?”, I glare at him hard.

“Don’t use that tone with me, fa-…Gerard!”

“My tone? My fucking tone? I don’t even fucking care anymore, you’re not my father anymore! And you-“- I point at my mother who is kind of hiding behind my dad with a fearful expression “-you are fucking weak for letting him tell you what to think or do.”

I feel Mikey duck behind me, clutching at my arm as my father tries to slap me across the face. I step back, out of his reach, and shake my head, while Mikey is sobbing behind me, yelling at dad through tears not to hit me. I feel Frank next to me the other moment, and I jump a little, since I totally forgot he is here, too. He grabs my hand and glares venomously at my dad. I squeeze his hand a little and when he turns to look at me, I have a look on my face that clearly says “don’t, it’s not worth it”. Because I really have no idea what he’s capable of.

“We’re going”, he says and pulls at my arm, but I pull back and look at Mikey, who’s looking at me with pleading eyes, though I don’t know what he’s pleading me for.

I look around all the familiar and unfamiliar faces gathered around my grandma’s coffin, no one has said anything. They’re all watching us with wide eyes, too shocked to do or say anything and I turn back to Mikey.

“Will you come with us, Mikes?”, I ask him and he only nods, not looking at our parents as he grabs my other hand and we leave, me only looking back at the open coffin one more time, a silent tear falling from my eye. I wordlessly say goodbye to one of the few people I’ve ever loved.

Notes

You probably hate me for being so late with this shitty excuse for a chapter but I have at least one hundred good reasons for it. My family is absolutely broken, my mom’s been seeing this guy and dad doesn’t know about it, he’s away on a business trip now and I really don’t know what to do. School’s horrible, home’s horrible, and I’m staying in my room 90% of the time (when I’m not at school), since that guy is always around and I dislike him strongly. I also can’t utter a word to my dad about it, since I know they’d divorce which would be even worse. Much worse. Yesterday, mom asked me if it would be fine if that guy spends the night in our house and I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut anymore, I told her it would definitely not be fine and she apparently told him that, they got in a fight, he left and she ran after him after screaming at me that I ruined everything. She wrote me a text, saying she’d be staying the night with him and I… I don’t know. This is the first time she’s sleeping at his house and I know it won’t be the last… so yeah. I’ve told a very few people about this guy but I trust you more than I trust anyone. Also, my grades have been getting lower lately and grades are really important for me. I feel like everything’s falling apart and it makes my anxiety worse and I don’t know what to do, except listening to music. And…yeah…This is basically why I haven’t been here much.
I can’t even ask you to vote, subscribe or comment, because I am fully aware this chapter is not good at all. And I’m really sorry.
Love,
zombie--