Drowning Lessons
Most the time? You don't even dross my fucking mind.
"It had been so long since he felt like he was drowning." -The Dove Keeper
His stomach turned, and he felt like he was going to puke as he watched Gerard talk. This happened every once and a while. Just here and there when Gerard would be saying something really smart or funny or cute and Frank would be caught starring.Just, in awe of his best friend and it was in those moments when he almost couldn't suppress the feelings he had for his best friend, brother, band mate, his gravity. In these moments of not only insecurity but confusion and surprise, the ground would be yanked from beneath his feet and all he would be able to think was Gerard.
Gerard.
And as Gerard talked about MCR5 and his new comic or whatever, the world inside Frank's head was spinning. He knew Gerard didn't feel the same, they were both married, and it's not that Frank doesn't love Jamia, because he loves Jam with everything inside of him, but she isn't here right now to distract him. It's not like it was all the time, he wasn't always miserable for Gerard, most the time he didn't even think of Gerard.Gerard was not only fucking oblivious, but he was teasing and flirty, and he didn't even realize how much he ended up fucking with Frank's head. Frank wasn't 'in love' with Gerard, it was something so much different. He couldn't ever figure out a name for it. When him and Gerard first saw each other, in the morning, after a nap, after a few hours, a few minutes, just the first glance or look to each other, especially when they made eye contact, but even if Gerard wasn't looking. Frank would just trail his eyes down Gerard's stupid face and feel his heart pump, and his stomach spin. When they talked, it just felt like a friendship. Most the time it felt like a friendship and nothing more, but then Gerard would touch him like Frank wasn't a friend, like they weren't both married with kids, like they both weren't straight, he would touch Frank in a way that anyone would consider intimate, but then Gerard would say something, or someone would walk in, or something would interrupt that moment, and it was gone. Over. It was like Gerard was an ocean. He was either drowning you, or nothing was happening at all. Little waves, little warnings about what territory you were in, and then a giant wave, drowning you, and then your lungs burn when you hit the top and you're confused and in pain and the sun bakes your skin and you're so confused at that moment.
And hell, Frank probably deserved it. He got 'Hopeless Romantic' tattooed on his fucking hands, he jinxed himself to always be love sick.
The whiplash after Gerard kissed him or did something equally as caring Frank felt his heart hurt, and his stomach tumble and he felt a little pain in his lungs, like he couldn't breathe.
Drowning.
Gerard never even realized, and a lot of times Frank hated Gerard for it.
He wasn't in love, it was something so much more complicated, and he doesn't try to suppress the feelings when he is alone on the tour bus, because trying not to care for Gerard only makes him love Gerard more.
And oh, someone was asking Frank something, he would have to push away the pain, and save the thoughts for some other time, and as he answered, he could taste the faintest bit of salt water in his mouth, Gerard had drowned him again.
But that's okay, because lately, Frank feels like he's always drowning.
"It's like you're screaming and no one can hear you.
And you almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important.
That without them you feel like nothing.
No one will ever understand how much it hurts.
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you.
And when it's over and it's gone, you almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back, just for the good."
-Unknown
His stomach turned, and he felt like he was going to puke as he watched Gerard talk. This happened every once and a while. Just here and there when Gerard would be saying something really smart or funny or cute and Frank would be caught starring.Just, in awe of his best friend and it was in those moments when he almost couldn't suppress the feelings he had for his best friend, brother, band mate, his gravity. In these moments of not only insecurity but confusion and surprise, the ground would be yanked from beneath his feet and all he would be able to think was Gerard.
Gerard.
And as Gerard talked about MCR5 and his new comic or whatever, the world inside Frank's head was spinning. He knew Gerard didn't feel the same, they were both married, and it's not that Frank doesn't love Jamia, because he loves Jam with everything inside of him, but she isn't here right now to distract him. It's not like it was all the time, he wasn't always miserable for Gerard, most the time he didn't even think of Gerard.Gerard was not only fucking oblivious, but he was teasing and flirty, and he didn't even realize how much he ended up fucking with Frank's head. Frank wasn't 'in love' with Gerard, it was something so much different. He couldn't ever figure out a name for it. When him and Gerard first saw each other, in the morning, after a nap, after a few hours, a few minutes, just the first glance or look to each other, especially when they made eye contact, but even if Gerard wasn't looking. Frank would just trail his eyes down Gerard's stupid face and feel his heart pump, and his stomach spin. When they talked, it just felt like a friendship. Most the time it felt like a friendship and nothing more, but then Gerard would touch him like Frank wasn't a friend, like they weren't both married with kids, like they both weren't straight, he would touch Frank in a way that anyone would consider intimate, but then Gerard would say something, or someone would walk in, or something would interrupt that moment, and it was gone. Over. It was like Gerard was an ocean. He was either drowning you, or nothing was happening at all. Little waves, little warnings about what territory you were in, and then a giant wave, drowning you, and then your lungs burn when you hit the top and you're confused and in pain and the sun bakes your skin and you're so confused at that moment.
And hell, Frank probably deserved it. He got 'Hopeless Romantic' tattooed on his fucking hands, he jinxed himself to always be love sick.
The whiplash after Gerard kissed him or did something equally as caring Frank felt his heart hurt, and his stomach tumble and he felt a little pain in his lungs, like he couldn't breathe.
Drowning.
Gerard never even realized, and a lot of times Frank hated Gerard for it.
He wasn't in love, it was something so much more complicated, and he doesn't try to suppress the feelings when he is alone on the tour bus, because trying not to care for Gerard only makes him love Gerard more.
And oh, someone was asking Frank something, he would have to push away the pain, and save the thoughts for some other time, and as he answered, he could taste the faintest bit of salt water in his mouth, Gerard had drowned him again.
But that's okay, because lately, Frank feels like he's always drowning.
"It's like you're screaming and no one can hear you.
And you almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important.
That without them you feel like nothing.
No one will ever understand how much it hurts.
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you.
And when it's over and it's gone, you almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back, just for the good."
-Unknown
I saw this old man at the store today, and he was in jean shorts that stopped like two inches above his knees, and he had on long black socks that went up to mid shin. I turned to him and he had on grey/green eye shadow, eyeliner, what looked to be mascara, and blush.
It made my fucking day.
Sorry for all the depressed stuff. It feels like in order to be happy everywhere else, I have to be depressed in my writing.
Notes
I saw this old man at the store today, and he was in jean shorts that stopped like two inches above his knees, and he had on long black socks that went up to mid shin. I turned to him and he had on grey/green eye shadow, eyeliner, what looked to be mascara, and blush.
It made my fucking day.
Sorry for all the depressed stuff. It feels like in order to be happy everywhere else, I have to be depressed in my writing.
