Gerard POV
"Dude, drink some more of that beer with these pills," Bert slurred.
I took the pills and drank the beer. I felt weird. I laughed it all off.
"Gerard!" I heard Mikey yell.
"Oh, little Gee is in trouble with his younger brother," Bert said giggling. I giggle with him.
"Come on Gerard. Or you want me to get the guys, including Lindsey and Kitty?" Mikey said.
I really didn't want Lindsey or Kitty to see me like this. The guys know, but not Lindsey or Kitty. Good. I didn't want to get a bad impression on Lindsey. Mainly because I have a little crush on her and shit, she's on the same tour as me.
"Fine, I'll go. By Bert." I waved to Bert.
"Bye Gee baby!" Bert waved at me.
Mikey dragged me to the bus. Oh crap, we're going to have a talk. Shit, I should of stayed with Bert.
Mikey closed the door.
"Gerard. You have to stop with the drinking! You're going to hurt yourself or someone else. You already hurt me mentally! Just stop, please," Mikey begged.
I really hated to see him sad.
"I-I can't stop, Mikey." I said quietly. "It's the only way I can go through this life."
"No! You're wrong, Gerard! There's more to life than beers and drugs! If you die, you'll never meet the girl who you're going to marry-"
"I'm not going to marry any girl! I'm fucking horrible, Mikey. Why the hell would any girl want to marry me!" I yelled.
"You'll never know, Gerard! She can be back in Jersey, or in L.A., or here on the tour!" Mikey said.
Did he just say she can be here on the tour with us. As in Lindsey can be my future wife?
"Did you just say that. As in Lindsey can be my future wife?" I asked.
"Well, yeah. She seems to like you. And you like her. Anything is possible, Gerard," Mikey said.
"She doesn't remember me, got it?" I snapped. I went to my bunk and closed the curtain.
"Gerard. I miss Grandma too. Not just you. I know all the things she done for us and you mean a lot to her. But, we have to move on if we want to live. Grandma would of want that, Gee," Mikey said.
I sighed. I didn't want to hear his bullshit today.
"I'll get Lindsey to talk with you," he said. Mikey ran out the door before I can stop him.
I'm so fucked! I sighed and lay down on the couch now.
Why am I such a fuck up? I asked myself. I walk to one of the cabinets and open a bottle of anti-depression pills. I dump a whole bunch of them on my hand and swallow them. Maybe I'll be dead before Mikey comes with Lindsey.
Oh gosh, I'm so selfish. Why can't I wait till the end of the tour? Fuck, I'm too selfish to live.
I sigh and lay back down on the couch. I start to wonder how long would it take for the pills to work? Not long I think.
I close my eyes so I can get over with my life.
I hear the door open.
"Gerard!" I hear Lindsey say. It was then followed by me being shake.
"What," I said.
"Mikey send me here to talk to you. Is everything okay?" Lindsey asked. I can tell she actually is concern.
"I'm fucking fine," I said.
"Gerard, do you get drunk all the time?" Lindsey said.
"No."
"Gerard. You tell me right now. I'm not leaving until you do." Lindsey said crossing her arms and sitting next to me.
"Nope," I said crossing my arms and sitting up.
"Gerard, I can smell alcohol on you. Tell me why." Lindsey said quietly.
I stayed in silence. I guess Mikey told her about my 'problem'. I didn't want her to know about it. Too late I guess.
"Gerard," Lindsey began. "I won't judge you. I want to help you."
"Then you can help me by leaving," I snapped.
Lindsey looked a little bit hurt when I said that. Oh, I'm such a bad person. See, this is why I don't deserve to live at all.
Lindsey sighs. "You can tell me all the hateful things inside your head, but I still will not leave you. I want to help you. But, you have to tell me first why you do it. Why do you drink a lot. You're just harming yourself."
"That's why I do it," I said. "I want to die. I don't deserve anything. Not even a damn life! That's why I drink. It fucking numbs me." I said.
"You don't need the booze, Gerard." Lindsey said now her body facing mine.
"Yeah. I really do." I said. I then look down and at my hands.
Lindsey then lifts my head so I can see her and she can see me.
"There's something else you want to say? Don't you?" Lindsey asked.
I guess I do. I nod my head. I couldn't form any words in my mouth. How the fuck and I going to tell her about the pills?
"What is it, Gee?" Lindsey asked. I like the way she said my nickname, Gee.
"I took a whole lot of pills," I whispered.
"Sorry, I couldn't hear you. What did you say?" Lindsey asked getting a little closer to me.
"I said I took a whole lot of pills," I said more clearly.
Lindsey looked more hurt than she did when I told her to leave. I think I saw a tear leaving her eye.
"W-why?" She asked.
"I'm selfish. I don't deserve to live at all," I simply said.
I don't know why it upsets her so much. Lindsey buries her face into my chest and started to cry.
Why is she crying? I asked myself.
"Lindsey, why are you crying?" I asked.
"I-I," Lindsey stuttered into my chest. "You h-have no idea h-how much it hurts me m-more than it hurts y-you."
She was going to say something. I know she was, but the she hesitated. What is she hiding?
"Why does it hurt you?" I asked.
"Because, you have no idea how talented and special you are to this world. You can't see it the way I do. I know why you can't see it. You've been told so many times that you're a failure and you can never make it. You believed it. You started to think all the bullshit they say is true. It's not, Gerard. None of it is true." Lindsey sobbed and takes a deep breath.
She then sits up and continues.
"Don't believe them, Gerard. When you said how much you wanted to die, it had hurt me, a lot. It hurt me how a talented person like you wanted to die because of society. At one point- never mind about that." Lindsey bawled shook her head in the end.
"The point is, you have so much to live for, Gee. Don't think like that. Don't ever think you're not good enough." Lindsey said looking into my eyes.
I didn't know what to say. I knew the pills didn't work because I would of pass out by now.
I wipe away the tears still running down her beautiful pale face. I didn't mean to make her cry. "I'm sorry, Lindsey." I said.
"Don't say it to me, say it to yourself." Lindsey said.
I closed my eyes and said sorry to myself. I then open my eyes to let Lindsey know I'm listening.
"Beers and drugs are never the answer. If you need to talk to anyone, come to me. Okay?" Lindsey said with a small sad smile.
I nod.
"See you around." Lindsey said and gave me a hug. I really wish it lasted longer than it did. Lindsey walked outside and closed the door. A couple of seconds later, Mikey came in.
"She talk to you," Mikey asked.
"Yeah," I mumble. My voice came out horse.
My head started to hurt. "Ow. Mikey, give me some pain killers." I said putting both hands on my forehead.
"So, how do you feel now, since Lindsey talked to you?" Mikey asked. He handed me two pain killers and a glass of water. I took them first before I responded.
"Well. I made her cry . . . not proud of it."
"Why was she crying," Mikey asked.
"She said because I didn't see how talented I am and how I much I had wished to die," I said.
"Oh." Mikey said.
"But, when she was giving me the speech, she was going to say something. I'm not sure what, but it was something." I said.
"I guess Lindsey will tell you later." Mikey said sitting next to me.
"I guess so," I mumble.