Maybe
1/1
Please Listen to this While Reading
I used to be drunk on love.
We are back stage, sitting, waiting, to finally be called on. Anticipating the moment we walk on and hear the screams, hear the sound, feel the words, and be who we are- if not that, than just for those moments of breath on stage. The moment you take a deep breath of the thick, smoke drenched air, and it smells like shit- shit, piss, sex, sweat, ass, BO, cigarette smoke, weed smoke, cologne, and maybe a little women musk. It was disgusting, and it was amazing. For now though, we wait.
I turned to Frank a little drunk and maybe a bit stoned, an arm slung around his neck. “I love you”
“I love you too.” Frank said looking at the drink in his hand.
Mikey turns to us. “You are my two kid brothers, you know that right?” Frank smiles and laughs a little, knowing that I am drunk and thinking this is funny.
“My two kid brothers” I repeat as Mikey steps in front of my and grabs the hair on both sides of my face and smoothes them down a couple of times.
“You look sweet” Mikey says.
“I look sweet? I feel sweet.” I say as Mikey grabs the back of my hair and pushes it up.
“mmm thanks Mikey, I probably look like shit now.” I say pushing my bangs from my face and turning to frank who was about two feet away from me, lighting a cigarette.
“I’ve been working on my god damned hair all day” I say laughing and turning to some of the crew, my back to Frank. “I love having long hair man because you just walk out and-“Just as I say that, Frank steps up behind me and leans his head over my shoulder, blowing his smoke in my face. I turn around as Ray yells “No no no no! Some guy sat on my face in tuning!” I walk towards Frank and he cups a hand over his mouth saying something I can’t remember now. But I remember my response “Alright”
“Don’t tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.”
-The Catcher in the Rye
But now I’m hung over
“Frank, I think I am going to get serious with Lindsay.” I say calm, looking at him in his mirror. We were in the dressing room. Mikey likes to get ready on the bus, Bob and Ray don’t wear makeup, so it was just me and him. He had been running his fingers through his hair and making faces in the mirror, but stopped and turned to look at me.
“What?” he asks obviously shocked.
“I want to get serious with Lindsay. “ I repeat looking in his eyes this time.
“Okay?” He says shrugging and going back to the mirror picking up a nub of eyeliner, looking like he was contemplating using it or not.
“Frank, we are going to have to stop the kissing and grinding and anything normal friends don’t do.” I stress still starring at him. He drops the eyeliner and looks over to me, finally taking me serious.
“What?!” He says, eyebrows knitted together angrily mixed with eyes that glimmer confusion.
“We have to stop if I am going to get serious with Lindsay.” I say looking into his eyes apologetically.
“Why?! We shouldn’t have to stop being friends just because you want to be serious with Lindsay!” Frank says accusingly.
“We don’t have to stop being friends, Frank. We just have to stop the romance thing that we have playing along with it.” I explain.
“OH! HOW FUCKING FANTASTIC! WE DON’T HAVE TO STOP BEING FRIENDS! WE ONLY HAVE TO STOP BEING THE KIND OF FRIENDS WE ARE! WELL THANKYOU GERARD FOR BEING SO FUCKING CONSIDERATE. WHERE CAN I GET YOU A NOBEL EFFING PEACE AWARD?!” Frank screams waving his hands around and looking directly at me when he says “Does Lindsay have a problem with it or something?”
“No. I do. I can’t focus on a relationship when we play around like we do.”
“WHAT?!” Frank screams, face red, a vain on his neck bulging. He takes a shaky breath and says calmly “Never mind. It’s no use. I saw it coming from miles away.” He takes another trembling breath and looks at his feet for a second. “Fuck you Gerard.” He whispers, but no venom is attached to it, and when he looks into my eyes, his are teary and a little red. It hurt worse to hear the broken ‘Fuck you’ than the rage filled screams before.
I couldn’t understand why it hurt so much.
“Real isn’t how you are made.” Said the Skin Horse,“It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.
-The Velveteen Rabbit
I love you forever
We are on stage, the same day of the fight. It is at least 100 degrees in this place, and the jackets don’t help. Tensions are still tight and Ray and Mikey have asked, repeatedly what’s wrong but I won’t answer and neither will Frank. I am finishing The Sharpest Lives when Frank gets on top of the speaker in front of me and I barely have time to look at him before he leans forward, wrapping his arms around me in a full body weight hug. I take a step back, pulling Frank with me and spin him around, and push him away. He hangs on for a second, but tumbles to the ground. The last bit of the song is lost along with the mike. Ray is looking at us and Mikey walks away and is yelling “WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS?” in the dead mike. I storm away and kick one of the strobe lights, fuming. Frank gets back up and the show goes on, Frank and I avoiding each other as much as possible.
As the night went on Frank ignored me. We laughed, and joked, and played, and talked and pretended the stage fight never happened. Frank didn’t look in my eyes but once, when he was saying goodnight.
"In the end, it's not all it's cracked up to be"
-Bob Bryar
Forever is over
I married Lindsay the following day after the concert.
Everyone was there, smiling and cheering, except Frank. Later, Ray found him crying.
A guy and a girl (or in our case, one Bi dude and one experimental dude) can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other…maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever. And I love Frank, and I love Lindsay, and when she got pregnant I was happy, even though I wasn't quite ready to be dad.
Frank and I, we’re still friends, but not like we used to be. We still messed around on stage, but it was all half-hearted. Even the fans could notice the polar opposites of what our friendship was, and what it is.
Then, years later, the band is over. Everyone saw it coming. It had all became too much of a facade Pretending that we weren't hurt, pretending that we were all peachy.
Pretending we weren't confused.
We didn't end with a bang, but faded into dust.
Some days, I wish I never met you at all. Some days, it is easier than not to forget how much I love you, others it is like there is a neon sign, flashing in my eyes. Most of the time, you don’t even cross my mind. I love my wife, I love my kid, and I love my life. I wouldn't ask for it any other way, but every once and awhile I wonder what if, or I dream of how it could’ve happened.
Maybe one day we can be as close as we were.
Maybe I said sorry just a little too late.
I don’t know. Maybe I think too much.
Maybe we were meant to be.
Maybe I am lying to myself.
I don’t know- maybe.
“I still have the dream sometimes. I do. I come home from the store and find you on my doorstep with a suitcase. And not your entire wardrobe. Just a carry-on, a duffle bag. We don’t say anything, but you have this look in your eye that kills me. It’s just…And I unlock the door and let you in. And that’s it. That’s the dream. When I wake up, I wake up happy… Vibrating for a few seconds with my head in the sand. Content. Then it goes away, and you go away. I really don’t want to get out of bed then, because it’s cold out there, but I do. I get up. Life goes on. Most days you never even cross my mind”
-Dakota Skye
I used to be drunk on love.
We are back stage, sitting, waiting, to finally be called on. Anticipating the moment we walk on and hear the screams, hear the sound, feel the words, and be who we are- if not that, than just for those moments of breath on stage. The moment you take a deep breath of the thick, smoke drenched air, and it smells like shit- shit, piss, sex, sweat, ass, BO, cigarette smoke, weed smoke, cologne, and maybe a little women musk. It was disgusting, and it was amazing. For now though, we wait.
I turned to Frank a little drunk and maybe a bit stoned, an arm slung around his neck. “I love you”
“I love you too.” Frank said looking at the drink in his hand.
Mikey turns to us. “You are my two kid brothers, you know that right?” Frank smiles and laughs a little, knowing that I am drunk and thinking this is funny.
“My two kid brothers” I repeat as Mikey steps in front of my and grabs the hair on both sides of my face and smoothes them down a couple of times.
“You look sweet” Mikey says.
“I look sweet? I feel sweet.” I say as Mikey grabs the back of my hair and pushes it up.
“mmm thanks Mikey, I probably look like shit now.” I say pushing my bangs from my face and turning to frank who was about two feet away from me, lighting a cigarette.
“I’ve been working on my god damned hair all day” I say laughing and turning to some of the crew, my back to Frank. “I love having long hair man because you just walk out and-“Just as I say that, Frank steps up behind me and leans his head over my shoulder, blowing his smoke in my face. I turn around as Ray yells “No no no no! Some guy sat on my face in tuning!” I walk towards Frank and he cups a hand over his mouth saying something I can’t remember now. But I remember my response “Alright”
“Don’t tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.”
-The Catcher in the Rye
But now I’m hung over
“Frank, I think I am going to get serious with Lindsay.” I say calm, looking at him in his mirror. We were in the dressing room. Mikey likes to get ready on the bus, Bob and Ray don’t wear makeup, so it was just me and him. He had been running his fingers through his hair and making faces in the mirror, but stopped and turned to look at me.
“What?” he asks obviously shocked.
“I want to get serious with Lindsay. “ I repeat looking in his eyes this time.
“Okay?” He says shrugging and going back to the mirror picking up a nub of eyeliner, looking like he was contemplating using it or not.
“Frank, we are going to have to stop the kissing and grinding and anything normal friends don’t do.” I stress still starring at him. He drops the eyeliner and looks over to me, finally taking me serious.
“What?!” He says, eyebrows knitted together angrily mixed with eyes that glimmer confusion.
“We have to stop if I am going to get serious with Lindsay.” I say looking into his eyes apologetically.
“Why?! We shouldn’t have to stop being friends just because you want to be serious with Lindsay!” Frank says accusingly.
“We don’t have to stop being friends, Frank. We just have to stop the romance thing that we have playing along with it.” I explain.
“OH! HOW FUCKING FANTASTIC! WE DON’T HAVE TO STOP BEING FRIENDS! WE ONLY HAVE TO STOP BEING THE KIND OF FRIENDS WE ARE! WELL THANKYOU GERARD FOR BEING SO FUCKING CONSIDERATE. WHERE CAN I GET YOU A NOBEL EFFING PEACE AWARD?!” Frank screams waving his hands around and looking directly at me when he says “Does Lindsay have a problem with it or something?”
“No. I do. I can’t focus on a relationship when we play around like we do.”
“WHAT?!” Frank screams, face red, a vain on his neck bulging. He takes a shaky breath and says calmly “Never mind. It’s no use. I saw it coming from miles away.” He takes another trembling breath and looks at his feet for a second. “Fuck you Gerard.” He whispers, but no venom is attached to it, and when he looks into my eyes, his are teary and a little red. It hurt worse to hear the broken ‘Fuck you’ than the rage filled screams before.
I couldn’t understand why it hurt so much.
“Real isn’t how you are made.” Said the Skin Horse,“It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.
-The Velveteen Rabbit
I love you forever
We are on stage, the same day of the fight. It is at least 100 degrees in this place, and the jackets don’t help. Tensions are still tight and Ray and Mikey have asked, repeatedly what’s wrong but I won’t answer and neither will Frank. I am finishing The Sharpest Lives when Frank gets on top of the speaker in front of me and I barely have time to look at him before he leans forward, wrapping his arms around me in a full body weight hug. I take a step back, pulling Frank with me and spin him around, and push him away. He hangs on for a second, but tumbles to the ground. The last bit of the song is lost along with the mike. Ray is looking at us and Mikey walks away and is yelling “WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS?” in the dead mike. I storm away and kick one of the strobe lights, fuming. Frank gets back up and the show goes on, Frank and I avoiding each other as much as possible.
As the night went on Frank ignored me. We laughed, and joked, and played, and talked and pretended the stage fight never happened. Frank didn’t look in my eyes but once, when he was saying goodnight.
"In the end, it's not all it's cracked up to be"
-Bob Bryar
Forever is over
I married Lindsay the following day after the concert.
Everyone was there, smiling and cheering, except Frank. Later, Ray found him crying.
A guy and a girl (or in our case, one Bi dude and one experimental dude) can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other…maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever. And I love Frank, and I love Lindsay, and when she got pregnant I was happy, even though I wasn't quite ready to be dad.
Frank and I, we’re still friends, but not like we used to be. We still messed around on stage, but it was all half-hearted. Even the fans could notice the polar opposites of what our friendship was, and what it is.
Then, years later, the band is over. Everyone saw it coming. It had all became too much of a facade Pretending that we weren't hurt, pretending that we were all peachy.
Pretending we weren't confused.
We didn't end with a bang, but faded into dust.
Some days, I wish I never met you at all. Some days, it is easier than not to forget how much I love you, others it is like there is a neon sign, flashing in my eyes. Most of the time, you don’t even cross my mind. I love my wife, I love my kid, and I love my life. I wouldn't ask for it any other way, but every once and awhile I wonder what if, or I dream of how it could’ve happened.
Maybe one day we can be as close as we were.
Maybe I said sorry just a little too late.
I don’t know. Maybe I think too much.
Maybe we were meant to be.
Maybe I am lying to myself.
I don’t know- maybe.
“I still have the dream sometimes. I do. I come home from the store and find you on my doorstep with a suitcase. And not your entire wardrobe. Just a carry-on, a duffle bag. We don’t say anything, but you have this look in your eye that kills me. It’s just…And I unlock the door and let you in. And that’s it. That’s the dream. When I wake up, I wake up happy… Vibrating for a few seconds with my head in the sand. Content. Then it goes away, and you go away. I really don’t want to get out of bed then, because it’s cold out there, but I do. I get up. Life goes on. Most days you never even cross my mind”
-Dakota Skye
Notes
OW. OW. IT FUCKING HURTS. ALL OF THESE FEELS MAN.I just got married btw. <3 I love my new wife. I divorced my coffee cup for her.
@Nancy Boy
I sometimes feel like I am the only one who thinks about not the bright side, but the undoubted fact that Frank and Gerard ended
really.
Fucking.
Bad.
12/10/13