Rememberance...
Rememberance...
Bad things always happen for a reason. Gerard had told himself that at least a million times throughout his life, though he could never give himself a reason that explained things the way he thought they should. The most prominent example being Bandit.
It had been the day before Bandit’s birthday; she was going to turn 4, and Gerard had had everything completely thought out to near perfection. Her cake was going to be something tastefully simple, yet something of high significance. It was going to be ivory, with roses, lilies, and pansies as the border, and the oh-so standard ‘Happy Birthday Bandit, I Love You!’ in hot pink; the color she had picked out, her reasoning being “This one, daddy. It’s sassy!”
On the actual day of her birthday, Gerard had gotten up early; 5 am to be exact. He busied himself by making breakfast, though he’d never been good at cooking anything besides toast. His eggs ended up over-fried, and his French toast was burned. Well, more like charred. At five thirty six, the babysitter, Jamia, had let herself in quietly, a grocery sack in her hand. She smiled big.
“I brought pink and white streamers, pink and white plates and cutlery, and pink and white balloons. And I brought my helium tank, so they’ll float.” She said quietly. Excitement clear on her face; She loved Bandit too, maybe even as much as Gerard himself. After all, she had been Bandit’s babysitter since she was an infant. Her face suddenly contorted with distaste “Oh, no, Gerard what did you burn this time?”
“That wasn’t necessary, you didn’t have to.” Gerard quietly chided her, smiling softly and ignoring her comment. Though he wished she hadn’t went out and bought all the things she did, he appreciated it. He barely had enough money for Bandits present this month, because he was so stretched for cash lately. Of course he had taken care of the important things first, like the rent and utilities, and of course Jamia’s fees. But he didn’t like being broke. It sucked.
“Bien que j'ai fait.” She said with a roll of her eyes, placing her bags on the counter, and plopping down on his couch. She flipped on the tv, and turned to look at him. “Now stop wasting time, and go get that little girls cake.” She smiled, and went back to watching whatever it was Jamia watched while she was there. He smiled back, and grabbed his keys. Jamia and Gerard had known each other for roughly 10 years, ever since his freshman year in college. She’d helped him through a lot: Lindsey’s death, when he couldn’t feed himself because his art career hadn’t exactly taken off, and when Gunner, his dog had run away. She was family in his eyes.
The May morning was cool, but had potential to warm up, as it usually did, he noticed. Gerard unlocked his car, and made his way to the local grocery store, Super Save. The traffic had been good, parking had been a breeze, and he’d gotten the spot closest to the store possible, with the exception of the handicap parking. He walked in smelling the familiar scent of freshly brewed coffee, and bread, as he made his way to the bakery, humming a Misfits song softly. As he approached the counter, a very familiar face grinned at him.
“Gerard! How’re you doin’, sugar?” Marlene asked, giving him a tight hug. Her gum popping in his ear. Marlene was 3 years younger than him and had a major crush Gerard, which she had never tried to hide. She always had bright pink bubblegum, and always smelled like vanilla. She had bright blonde hair, teased high, and even higher heels. Always. She had been over the top flirting since she met him, and usually he found it funny and flattering. He embraced her back briefly, then she let go of him.
“Good, good. And yourself?” He asked, as she disappeared into the back.
“Just fine!” She called. “I see your sticking with the red hair.” She came back to the counter, grin on her face. “It looks good on you.” She said, running her fingers through his hair, resting her hand on his check for a second. “But ta-da!” She said, revealing Bandit’s cake. His face brightened. It was perfect, more perfect than he could have expected, especially from a grocery store. She had changed it. She had added a big bottom tier, with a big hot pink fondent bow. It really made the cake… Bandit. “So what’cha think? Ya like it?” She asked eagerly, desperate to please. When she didn’t get an immediate response, her face fell. “I mean, I know it isn’t exactly how you wanted it, but the original design was so boring- and I thought she might like something a tad bit more flashy, and- look if you don’t like it, sugar, I can fix it… somehow…” She rambled.
“Marlene… It’s perfect!” He said, successfully shutting her up. “I really like the changes you made.” He said getting his wallet out.
“Oh, im so glad you like it! You had me worried for a second, there!” She said, relief coloring her tone. “And this is on me!” She smiled dazzlingly.
“Marlene, you don’t have-“ He was interrupted by Marlene’s manicured finger shushing his lips.
“Consider it my gift to my darling baby B.” She said, calling Bandit, as she usually did, ‘by baby B’. “Oh, and I can’t stop by later, I’m stuck working.” She pouted. “ Give her this, though.” She said, momentarily reaching down to grab a huge pink gift bag.
“Are you sure, Marlene? This if awfully generous.” He said, taking the gift in his hand.
“Gerard Way, did you just ask me if I was sure?” She asked, eyebrows raised, and arms crossed. “Now go on, I got other customers to serve!” She said, handing him the cake carefully, smirking. “Go on. Shoo.” He turned to leave and realized she was right, during their conversation, two other customers had gathered behind him, waiting for service. The pudgy woman right behind him, gave Gerard a dirty look as he made his way back to his car. Whatever, his mood was at the peak of happiness. He settled the gift, and cake in the back seat, and started the car up. The car ride back was a blur, and over with quickly. As he carried the items into his apartment, something felt off. Way, way, off. He set the items down on the kitchen table, and went to see where Jamia was. He then realized there was a smell, he hadn’t noticed before. One he couldn’t place…
“Jamia? Where are-“ That was when he saw her. She was on the floor in an unnatural, and painful-looking position, and blood was everywhere, making a puddle. A huge puddle. Blood was all Gerard could see. He realized the smell was death. Cold, hard, deathHe suddenly became nauseous, and he vaguely remembered vomiting on himself. He could see little bits of his breakfast in it. Then something in his mind clicked, and he ran to Bandit’s room. He wished he hadn’t. There was bandit… also dead, her insides seemingly on display, cascading from her too-young stomach, into a second pile of blood. Tears, and another round of vomit made an appearance. He fell to his knees, devastation and shock paralyzing him into that spot. Bandit’s present tumbled from his pocket as he landed. It was a pure gold locket that had a picture of them together on the inside, and ‘I love you’ in scripted on it. Bandit, his daughter, the one person he loved more than life itself was… he couldn’t think the word. He couldn’t think much of anything except for the word ‘no.’
8 or so hours later, he noticed the police arrived. Apparently this had been done to more than just his apartment. By that point he had her cradled protectively to his chest, and had tried to force her organs back inside of her, trying to put her back together again. Kind of like Humpty Dumpty, he thought bitterly. He knew it was useless, but what else could he do? He couldn’t just sit there. He remembered the paramedics had tried to take her away from him. He’d gotten highly defensive, screaming profanities at the top of his lungs, and making empty threats. He suddenly felt the sharp sting of something in his back, then being really sleepy… Gerard awoke suddenly, shaking and covered in sweat. It had only been a month since ‘The incident’ and he’d had the dream reliving his worst nightmare every damn day. He’d been placed into therapy, where he was forced to talk to a shrink for an hour a day. His shrink was average, un memorable. Being there didn’t work; He didn’t talk anymore. Not to anyone. Not to Mikey, or his own mother, not Marlene, either. They visited almost every day. But he never talked. What would he say?
He thought about Bandit all day everyday. He thought about the details he’d come to love about her, like her laugh, or how she only like banana pancakes, no syrup. But most of all, he thought about joining her on the other side. He wondered how he would do it, surrounded with people. Maybe if he got access to a gun… Or some pills. It would be very easy, Gerard reasoned in his mind. He would be with Bandit, and Lindsey. And Helena… He wanted it badly. But everyday he would find a reason to not do what he wanted so desperately. Usually he thought of Mikey, and his mom. How he would inflict the same pain he felt onto them. He laid back down, not quite ready to get up, and felt a lump of rope under his pillow; another option he’d given himself. He sighed, and told himself the same thing he told himself every day. But this time he said it out loud.
“Not today.”
It had been the day before Bandit’s birthday; she was going to turn 4, and Gerard had had everything completely thought out to near perfection. Her cake was going to be something tastefully simple, yet something of high significance. It was going to be ivory, with roses, lilies, and pansies as the border, and the oh-so standard ‘Happy Birthday Bandit, I Love You!’ in hot pink; the color she had picked out, her reasoning being “This one, daddy. It’s sassy!”
On the actual day of her birthday, Gerard had gotten up early; 5 am to be exact. He busied himself by making breakfast, though he’d never been good at cooking anything besides toast. His eggs ended up over-fried, and his French toast was burned. Well, more like charred. At five thirty six, the babysitter, Jamia, had let herself in quietly, a grocery sack in her hand. She smiled big.
“I brought pink and white streamers, pink and white plates and cutlery, and pink and white balloons. And I brought my helium tank, so they’ll float.” She said quietly. Excitement clear on her face; She loved Bandit too, maybe even as much as Gerard himself. After all, she had been Bandit’s babysitter since she was an infant. Her face suddenly contorted with distaste “Oh, no, Gerard what did you burn this time?”
“That wasn’t necessary, you didn’t have to.” Gerard quietly chided her, smiling softly and ignoring her comment. Though he wished she hadn’t went out and bought all the things she did, he appreciated it. He barely had enough money for Bandits present this month, because he was so stretched for cash lately. Of course he had taken care of the important things first, like the rent and utilities, and of course Jamia’s fees. But he didn’t like being broke. It sucked.
“Bien que j'ai fait.” She said with a roll of her eyes, placing her bags on the counter, and plopping down on his couch. She flipped on the tv, and turned to look at him. “Now stop wasting time, and go get that little girls cake.” She smiled, and went back to watching whatever it was Jamia watched while she was there. He smiled back, and grabbed his keys. Jamia and Gerard had known each other for roughly 10 years, ever since his freshman year in college. She’d helped him through a lot: Lindsey’s death, when he couldn’t feed himself because his art career hadn’t exactly taken off, and when Gunner, his dog had run away. She was family in his eyes.
The May morning was cool, but had potential to warm up, as it usually did, he noticed. Gerard unlocked his car, and made his way to the local grocery store, Super Save. The traffic had been good, parking had been a breeze, and he’d gotten the spot closest to the store possible, with the exception of the handicap parking. He walked in smelling the familiar scent of freshly brewed coffee, and bread, as he made his way to the bakery, humming a Misfits song softly. As he approached the counter, a very familiar face grinned at him.
“Gerard! How’re you doin’, sugar?” Marlene asked, giving him a tight hug. Her gum popping in his ear. Marlene was 3 years younger than him and had a major crush Gerard, which she had never tried to hide. She always had bright pink bubblegum, and always smelled like vanilla. She had bright blonde hair, teased high, and even higher heels. Always. She had been over the top flirting since she met him, and usually he found it funny and flattering. He embraced her back briefly, then she let go of him.
“Good, good. And yourself?” He asked, as she disappeared into the back.
“Just fine!” She called. “I see your sticking with the red hair.” She came back to the counter, grin on her face. “It looks good on you.” She said, running her fingers through his hair, resting her hand on his check for a second. “But ta-da!” She said, revealing Bandit’s cake. His face brightened. It was perfect, more perfect than he could have expected, especially from a grocery store. She had changed it. She had added a big bottom tier, with a big hot pink fondent bow. It really made the cake… Bandit. “So what’cha think? Ya like it?” She asked eagerly, desperate to please. When she didn’t get an immediate response, her face fell. “I mean, I know it isn’t exactly how you wanted it, but the original design was so boring- and I thought she might like something a tad bit more flashy, and- look if you don’t like it, sugar, I can fix it… somehow…” She rambled.
“Marlene… It’s perfect!” He said, successfully shutting her up. “I really like the changes you made.” He said getting his wallet out.
“Oh, im so glad you like it! You had me worried for a second, there!” She said, relief coloring her tone. “And this is on me!” She smiled dazzlingly.
“Marlene, you don’t have-“ He was interrupted by Marlene’s manicured finger shushing his lips.
“Consider it my gift to my darling baby B.” She said, calling Bandit, as she usually did, ‘by baby B’. “Oh, and I can’t stop by later, I’m stuck working.” She pouted. “ Give her this, though.” She said, momentarily reaching down to grab a huge pink gift bag.
“Are you sure, Marlene? This if awfully generous.” He said, taking the gift in his hand.
“Gerard Way, did you just ask me if I was sure?” She asked, eyebrows raised, and arms crossed. “Now go on, I got other customers to serve!” She said, handing him the cake carefully, smirking. “Go on. Shoo.” He turned to leave and realized she was right, during their conversation, two other customers had gathered behind him, waiting for service. The pudgy woman right behind him, gave Gerard a dirty look as he made his way back to his car. Whatever, his mood was at the peak of happiness. He settled the gift, and cake in the back seat, and started the car up. The car ride back was a blur, and over with quickly. As he carried the items into his apartment, something felt off. Way, way, off. He set the items down on the kitchen table, and went to see where Jamia was. He then realized there was a smell, he hadn’t noticed before. One he couldn’t place…
“Jamia? Where are-“ That was when he saw her. She was on the floor in an unnatural, and painful-looking position, and blood was everywhere, making a puddle. A huge puddle. Blood was all Gerard could see. He realized the smell was death. Cold, hard, deathHe suddenly became nauseous, and he vaguely remembered vomiting on himself. He could see little bits of his breakfast in it. Then something in his mind clicked, and he ran to Bandit’s room. He wished he hadn’t. There was bandit… also dead, her insides seemingly on display, cascading from her too-young stomach, into a second pile of blood. Tears, and another round of vomit made an appearance. He fell to his knees, devastation and shock paralyzing him into that spot. Bandit’s present tumbled from his pocket as he landed. It was a pure gold locket that had a picture of them together on the inside, and ‘I love you’ in scripted on it. Bandit, his daughter, the one person he loved more than life itself was… he couldn’t think the word. He couldn’t think much of anything except for the word ‘no.’
8 or so hours later, he noticed the police arrived. Apparently this had been done to more than just his apartment. By that point he had her cradled protectively to his chest, and had tried to force her organs back inside of her, trying to put her back together again. Kind of like Humpty Dumpty, he thought bitterly. He knew it was useless, but what else could he do? He couldn’t just sit there. He remembered the paramedics had tried to take her away from him. He’d gotten highly defensive, screaming profanities at the top of his lungs, and making empty threats. He suddenly felt the sharp sting of something in his back, then being really sleepy… Gerard awoke suddenly, shaking and covered in sweat. It had only been a month since ‘The incident’ and he’d had the dream reliving his worst nightmare every damn day. He’d been placed into therapy, where he was forced to talk to a shrink for an hour a day. His shrink was average, un memorable. Being there didn’t work; He didn’t talk anymore. Not to anyone. Not to Mikey, or his own mother, not Marlene, either. They visited almost every day. But he never talked. What would he say?
He thought about Bandit all day everyday. He thought about the details he’d come to love about her, like her laugh, or how she only like banana pancakes, no syrup. But most of all, he thought about joining her on the other side. He wondered how he would do it, surrounded with people. Maybe if he got access to a gun… Or some pills. It would be very easy, Gerard reasoned in his mind. He would be with Bandit, and Lindsey. And Helena… He wanted it badly. But everyday he would find a reason to not do what he wanted so desperately. Usually he thought of Mikey, and his mom. How he would inflict the same pain he felt onto them. He laid back down, not quite ready to get up, and felt a lump of rope under his pillow; another option he’d given himself. He sighed, and told himself the same thing he told himself every day. But this time he said it out loud.
“Not today.”
6/18/13