My Own Brand Of Heroin
A Wish For Escapism
A wish for escapism
"Robyn" I heard a quiet mummer make its way though my open window, I ignored the call and carried on drawing. I didn't know who it was but it had to be 1 of 3 people - My drunken slob of a Dad, who's only exercise was a walk to a local pub or bar. My Mum, who was tearing her life apart through her addiction to her anti-depressant and her tendency to threaten me with suicide, but she always came back home no more worse of then she started the day or my Brother Jay - he had success but it was pulled from him as easily as a fragile life. He would have had everything; the girl, the home, the high status job and the children but all it took to take this all away was a head on collision in a little 3 door BMW with a truck, all this and the ripple effects destroyed his once perfect life. But to get to the point he found a friend to drown his sorrows in - Cocaine.
My thoughts about my fucked up relatives was interrupted by someone shouting my name, i get up to look out of my window - my Mum's sat on the grass sobbing, she'd returned from her what seemed the 25,000,000 suicide threat.
"what?" i don't even know why I'm asking her this question because i already know the answer
"hunny I'm sorry i j-just need to come in, get something to eat and ill be okay come the morning she continues to sob as she finishes' her sentence
"maybe if i took some medication id be okay" she finished i mutter some nonsense about how shell never get better and proceed to make my way downstairs to the front door, I unlock it and let her in.
"there's some food in the microwave just heat it up, I'm going bed I've got school tomorrow so don't disturb me, leave the door unlocked for Dad and Jay" i sigh in annoyance of the conversation that has become a daily routine.
Up in my room i do nothing but sit on my bed staring at a blank wall in silence listening to my mum sob as my dad trails in drunk (I doubt Jay will come home he never does). i change into my pajamas and notice my legs - a broken inside had became a scarred outside. just like everyone else had there addiction i had my own addiction; self harm, i found comfort in a razor - it was outlet for my anger adnd it was the only way i wouldn't hurt anybody. I look around my room for something to do and after a couple of minutes of looking for unfinished homework it seems just like every other fatality in my life i realize its going to be one of those nights. i open my bedside table draw and grab a blade.
Everything was a complete blur as i sliced through my wrists; a spin of pane, relief and a sensation of blood trickling down my fingers to drip of my fingertips. to others what i did was disgusting and selfish but to me it was another sense of heaven.
i come back to reality and I'm overcome with disappointment id promised my friend i would never do this, but he isn't here to help me, to stop me, to save me. he was up in the sky somewhere. My friend who deemed suicide as a selfish act committed suicide. I've always debated joining him but then what will i have achieved?.
******************************************************************************************************
My alarm rings for School, i get up, take a shower, throw on black jeans a Led Zeppelin top and do my make up. i dry and straighten my hair and rummage around my room looking for the much needed bracelets and put them i my recently blood-ridden wrists. i take a moment to look in the mirror and remember what my once best friend had said to me "Robyn you were so pretty, you were preppy and popular, what happened? your just an emo freak, what are you doing to yourself?" *sigh* i was just being me.
I put on my checkered vans, Grab my backpack and head for school. earphones in- Volume up, you could call this my preparation for the harsh remarks and name calling "emo" "freak"
and the truth was just that i was an emo, a freak, but i was a lonely emo freak. i was unhappy.
"Robyn" I heard a quiet mummer make its way though my open window, I ignored the call and carried on drawing. I didn't know who it was but it had to be 1 of 3 people - My drunken slob of a Dad, who's only exercise was a walk to a local pub or bar. My Mum, who was tearing her life apart through her addiction to her anti-depressant and her tendency to threaten me with suicide, but she always came back home no more worse of then she started the day or my Brother Jay - he had success but it was pulled from him as easily as a fragile life. He would have had everything; the girl, the home, the high status job and the children but all it took to take this all away was a head on collision in a little 3 door BMW with a truck, all this and the ripple effects destroyed his once perfect life. But to get to the point he found a friend to drown his sorrows in - Cocaine.
My thoughts about my fucked up relatives was interrupted by someone shouting my name, i get up to look out of my window - my Mum's sat on the grass sobbing, she'd returned from her what seemed the 25,000,000 suicide threat.
"what?" i don't even know why I'm asking her this question because i already know the answer
"hunny I'm sorry i j-just need to come in, get something to eat and ill be okay come the morning she continues to sob as she finishes' her sentence
"maybe if i took some medication id be okay" she finished i mutter some nonsense about how shell never get better and proceed to make my way downstairs to the front door, I unlock it and let her in.
"there's some food in the microwave just heat it up, I'm going bed I've got school tomorrow so don't disturb me, leave the door unlocked for Dad and Jay" i sigh in annoyance of the conversation that has become a daily routine.
Up in my room i do nothing but sit on my bed staring at a blank wall in silence listening to my mum sob as my dad trails in drunk (I doubt Jay will come home he never does). i change into my pajamas and notice my legs - a broken inside had became a scarred outside. just like everyone else had there addiction i had my own addiction; self harm, i found comfort in a razor - it was outlet for my anger adnd it was the only way i wouldn't hurt anybody. I look around my room for something to do and after a couple of minutes of looking for unfinished homework it seems just like every other fatality in my life i realize its going to be one of those nights. i open my bedside table draw and grab a blade.
Everything was a complete blur as i sliced through my wrists; a spin of pane, relief and a sensation of blood trickling down my fingers to drip of my fingertips. to others what i did was disgusting and selfish but to me it was another sense of heaven.
i come back to reality and I'm overcome with disappointment id promised my friend i would never do this, but he isn't here to help me, to stop me, to save me. he was up in the sky somewhere. My friend who deemed suicide as a selfish act committed suicide. I've always debated joining him but then what will i have achieved?.
******************************************************************************************************
My alarm rings for School, i get up, take a shower, throw on black jeans a Led Zeppelin top and do my make up. i dry and straighten my hair and rummage around my room looking for the much needed bracelets and put them i my recently blood-ridden wrists. i take a moment to look in the mirror and remember what my once best friend had said to me "Robyn you were so pretty, you were preppy and popular, what happened? your just an emo freak, what are you doing to yourself?" *sigh* i was just being me.
I put on my checkered vans, Grab my backpack and head for school. earphones in- Volume up, you could call this my preparation for the harsh remarks and name calling "emo" "freak"
and the truth was just that i was an emo, a freak, but i was a lonely emo freak. i was unhappy.
9/5/13