“Doc!” Jet Star yelled into the Lair. “Help!” All the Killjoys inside came running as he opened up the back door of the van, everyone wincing at the pair inside.
“Jesus Christ, I don’t think she’s gonna make it.” Dr. Death Defying said quietly, and Boom Box promptly burst into tears. Even Fun Ghoul’s face was twisted with sympathy, and he seemed ashamed of what he’d done, even though her piercings made it clear that she was marked to be an Exterminator.
Smile was carried inside and set on the table anyway, though she’d already stopped crying and shaking. She wasn’t awake, she wasn’t gasping, she wasn’t in pain. She wasn’t even breathing, anymore.
“Pulse, breathing, blood, hydration…” Dr. Death Defying muttered, reaching over to check Smile’s pulse on her neck, then seeing what a mess it was. “Jesus fucking Christ.” He jerked his hand back, hesitated, then pulled the girl’s glove off to check on her wrist. He had to struggle not to stop and cry when he saw the old scars there, straight lines cutting across the veins.
“Weak pulse, but it’s there.” He mumbled, carrying on. He had to tell himself there would be time to ask her everything later, or he would break down. If he broke down, there definitely wouldn’t be a later for her. He held his hand just over her nose and mouth, trying to see if she was breathing. “Again, barely anything, but she’s toughing it out.” He muttered, some part of him secretly proud of this girl.
“She’s lost a lot of blood, but there’s nothing I can do about that other than just stop the bleeding.” Dr. Death Defying muttered, looking up, glad to see his boys had already assembled the bandages, clean water, disinfectant, and medical tape. Fun Ghoul had taken Boom Box away, leaving the other three men ready to help.
Once they’d stopped the bleeding, they set about putting together real bandages; ones that would keep her out of trouble for a while. Then all they could do was clean her up.
“Gee, I think… I think she was that girl from Battery City.” The Kobra Kid mused, tilting his head to one side as he studied the motionless girl. Party Poison looked over, frowning as he thought about it, recognition dawning across his face as he realized his brother was right.
“Yeah Mikes, it’s her.” He agreed softly.
“I’ve seen her before.” Dr. Death Defying admitted. “In Battery City, the night you boys went in to get Boom Box out. I wasn’t going to make it, and the Dracs were closing in after Ray got shot. She came out of nowhere and distracted them so I could grab the kid. I thought she died; they were shooting at her. I figured she was some city kid rebelling against her parents.”
Jet Star grabbed a water bottle, biting his lip. “Someone sit her up, she’s been out on the dust for too long without water.” Party Poison gently helped the unconscious girl into a sitting position, tipping her head back as Jet Star poured some water into her mouth. She didn’t seem to swallow any of it; it just ran down the sides of her face. Everyone knew that was a bad sign.
“Fuck this.” The Kobra Kid muttered, taking the bottle and dumping some of the cold water onto the girl’s face. Her breathing hitched and she coughed, then her eyes opened.
As soon as she saw where she was and who was around her, she froze before seeming to shrink into herself, her dark eyes darting from Killjoy to Killjoy. Suddenly, all the fear left her eyes, replaced by just a bleak, defeated listlessness. She pulled her knees up to her chest, pain flickering somewhere deep behind the numbness in her eyes as she wrapped her arms around her legs, resting her chin on her knees before burying her face in the black denim of her skinny jeans.
“Smile, we’re not gonna-” Dr. Death Defying began, resting a hand gently on the girl’s bare shoulder, but she flinched violently away, trying to make herself even smaller. Like a little kid trying to disappear. Dr. Death Defying winced, pulling his hand back as if burned.
“Drink some water.” The Kobra Kid said, putting the clear plastic bottle on the table next to her. Smile tilted her face, leaving it resting against her jeans, to stare uncaringly at the cool drink. Her gaze flicked to meet the Killjoy’s, and some combination of fear and pain flickered in her eyes before the defeat crushed everything else out. “It’ll help.” Kobra encouraged gently, trying to smile.
The girl reached out a shaking hand towards the bottle, then seemed to realize her glove was gone. Her hand froze halfway to the bottle, then she suddenly yanked it back, hiding it beneath her still-gloved hand, wrapping herself into an even tighter ball.
The Kobra Kid wordlessly offered Smile her glove, and she met his gaze, wide-eyed, then reached for it hesitantly, her hand shaking before she suddenly snatched it, slipping it on faster than the boys would have thought possible.
“Now drink the water.” Dr. Death Defying ordered gently, and the girl watched him warily as she reached for the bottle again, her eyes jumping to anyone who moved. Even as she drank the water, she kept her eyes open to watch what was going on.
“Feel better?” Dr. Death Defying asked, smiling kindly, and Smile nodded hesitantly, dropping her gaze back to the table as she put the water down, curling up again.
“Thanks.” She mumbled into her jeans, and Jet Star and Dr. Death Defying gave her surprised looks. Even the Kobra Kid raised his eyebrows, but Party Poison just sighed, wondering where the tough, fearless Killjoy had gone. Then again, he reasoned, if Fun Ghoul shot him, he might not be the same afterwards, either.
“Now Smile, I’ve got a very serious question for you, and you have to answer it honestly, alright?” Dr. Death Defying asked firmly, and the young girl peeked out at him from her little defensive ball before nodding once. “Are you a Killjoy, or an Exterminator?”
“I’m a Killjoy.” She answered without hesitating, though her quiet voice shook. The conviction in her eyes spoke volumes, though her lack of confidence was undermining everything.
“Where are you from?” Dr. Death Defying asked gently, though he commanded an honest answer.
Smile seemed to shrink even farther into herself, trembling. “Battery City.”
“Tell us how you got out of there.” The radio DJ folded his hands together, staring evenly at the girl.
“I was bred to be an Exterminator, and they started training us when we were five. When I was ten… I found the pill in my food. I just… I decided I didn’t want to take it, and I… woke up. I was only ten, I knew I’d die out in the desert, and I was still learning all about the Killjoys in training. They were teaching us desert survival and fighting, and I knew I needed it, so I pretended I was still on my pills. I broke curfew every night, and I’d look for anyone else who went off their pills, but… there was nobody else like me. When I was 16, I saw you guys go in after Boom Box. I left the city that night, I just couldn’t be part of it anymore. I wandered around alone for a bit, it wasn’t too long. And then you guys found me at the Dead Pegasus.” She nodded at Dr. Death Defying, who nodded in agreement.
“That’s how you know so much about the city?” The Kobra Kid asked in surprise. “You were raised there?”
The girl nodded tentatively. “Yeah. I did a lot of hacking once I was off the pills. I took that Drac’s ID card so everything I did would trace back to him if anyone cared I was snooping. I knew they were feeding us bullshit in school, so… I hacked the files to see what really happened.” The girl ducked her head, trying to hide her small, self-satisfied grin. “I learned real world history, about wars and religions and music. There’s no music in the city, not even files saved as contraband examples like artwork is.” She frowned. “I think it’s addictive. It’s definitely emotional enough to snap people off the pills. If we could blast music loud enough in the city, we might wake people up.”
The Killjoys were all staring at her.
“That just might work.” Dr. Death Defying said thoughtfully, zoning out as he planned. “We’d need to be able to network to every house, though.”
“I can do that. There’s an intercom system through every residency for BLI announcements. I could probably hack it from here. All you’ve gotta do is pick your tunes.” Smile chimed in.
Dr. Death Defying grinned at the girl, abruptly pulling her into a hug. She flinched, pulling away, wide-eyed and shaking, making the man frown at her sadly. As she stared, trembling, at the wheelchair-bound Killjoy, a hand descended to rest on Smile’s shoulder. She twisted around, flinching away and turning to see who it was.
Party Poison gave the girl a reassuring smile before continuing Dr. Death Defying’s interrogation. “What’s your name?” The girl hesitated, and Party Poison mistook her pause as a lack of trust. “I’m Gerard.”
The girl looked up at him in surprise, shocked. The one thing Killjoys guarded more closely than their lives were their names. “I don’t have one.” She admitted, shamefaced as she looked away.
“What? Come on, everyone’s got a name.” The Kobra Kid said. “I’m Gerard’s brother, Mikey.”
The girl’s eyes widened and she shook her head. “Nobody in the city has names. We get numbers. Sometimes parents give their kids nicknames, like Show Pony’s file said his was Blaise, but… I’m just a number.”
“Why didn’t you get a nickname?” The Kobra Kid Mikey asked.
“My parents had me because Better Living told them to. They didn’t want me. They just left me alone; left food on the table for me ‘til I could cook for myself.” The girl shrugged. “Most families are like that. I didn’t even care until I was off the pills.”
“What happened when you went off the pills?” Party Poison Gerard asked curiously.
“I got hit with emotions. I started caring, and worrying, and questioning everything. I started caring about my family and the other kids in my classes, but nobody cared about me.” The girl looked down at her jeans again, sinking into herself. “I figured out how to make the emotions go away without the pills, though.”
“Cutting isn’t the answer.” Gerard said firmly, and the girl automatically clenched her fists, twisting her arms to crush the hidden scars against her legs.
“Then how do you make everything go away?” She demanded.
“We don’t.” Gerard replied simply.
“You’re forgetting we grew up with feelings; she was the only one who had them for years. She didn’t even have them until she was ten.” Dr. Death Defying reminded the other Killjoy, who nodded.
“’She’ can hear you.” Smile mumbled mutinously, and Gerard grinned at her, ruffling her hair.
“We know.” He winked, then eyed her messy hair. “What color is your hair naturally? Your roots are only just starting to come in.”
The girl shrugged. “I dunno. I’ve never seen it un-dyed. You have to be either black or white from the second you’ve got hair. Black is considered normal, so I went with white as soon as I was off my pills. They forced us to dye it constantly in the city.”
“Don’t worry, the dye’ll grow out.” Dr. Death Defying assured the girl, who shot him a tentative, crooked smile.
“Unless Gee gets you,” Mikey mumbled. “Then you’ll wind up looking like a fucking rainbow.” He ran a hand through his own hair; the blonde dye was finally letting his darker roots show through.
The girl eyed Gerard’s hair as he grinned at her impishly. “I’d rather be colorful than blank.”
“Any specific color?” Gerard asked, immediately perking up. “I’ve got ‘em all.”
“We can handle her hair later.” Jet Star rolled his eyes at Gerard, and the other Killjoy stuck his tongue out in defiance. “My name’s Ray, but I think you knew that because people keep blurting it out.”
The girl nodded shyly. “Gerard told me so I could hack a BLI computer and find out where you were.”
Ray nodded, grinning.
“I’m Steve.” Dr. Death Defying volunteered, shrugging. “Nothing special about my name.”
“I’m #6-1-25-5.” Smile mumbled, looking back down at the table again.
Mikey pulled the girl’s old, crumpled pad out of his pocket, scribbling something. “Look, the numbers make a name.” He showed the girl the paper.
“Faye?” She read out. “Isn’t that… ‘fairy folk’?” She crinkled her nose as she tried to remember what she’d read.
“You really did study up on religions.” Mikey grinned, pleased. “And yes, that’s what it means. It’s common among pagans.”
“You just matched each letter with a number in order from 1 and got lucky that it made a name.” The girl grinned crookedly, and Mikey winked.
“You bet.”
“It’s a good name.” The girl said thoughtfully, nodding slowly. “I can be Faye.”
“Did you have a last name?” Mikey asked. “Or number?” He added, grinning.
“Nope. Nobody in Battery City has a last name.” The girl Faye shook her head. “It doesn’t matter, they said, because ‘everyone in the world is just one big, happy family’.” Faye scowled bitterly at that. “They just love feeding us bullshit.”
“So how do you know who’s married to who?” Ray asked, furrowing his brow.
“Nobody’s married, you just live with whoever BLI assigns you to be with. BLI used to tell people who to have kids with, back when having kids was legal. The pills keep you happy, not the person you’re with.” Faye shrugged.
“What if someone falls in love? Don’t people ever run away together?” Gerard asked, perplexed.
“As far as I know, I’m the only one who’s ever left the city of free will. And what’s ‘love’?” Faye asked, cocking her head to one side.
The four men stared at her, mouths slightly open, as Faye gazed back, a little unsettled by their shocked stupor.
“Come on, you have to have read about it.” Mikey said desperately. All the guys were looking uncomfortable now, much to Faye’s amusement. “Something? Anything?”
“BLI classified it as a highly dangerous, extremely strong emotion. It’s a taboo word in Battery City.” Faye shrugged. “That’s all I know. Is it anything like hate? They have the same BLI definition.”
“Love and hate are opposites, kiddo.” Steve grinned at the girl on the table, who seemed to have relaxed. “You’ll figure it out, don’t worry.”
Faye gave him a doubtful look, shifting slightly, her face going blank as pain flashed in her eyes. She pretended she didn’t feel anything, just scooted herself towards the one side of the table where there were no Killjoys, hopping down. As soon as her feet hit the floor, her knees gave out, but she just grabbed the table to steady herself, glaring at nothing. Faye obviously wasn’t happy with her newfound weakness, and as soon as she could pass for somewhat stable, she let go of the table and turned to face the other Killjoys, swaying slightly on the spot.
“Go to your room. You need sleep and water.” Steve ordered.
“What about Battery City? Aren’t we gonna wake everybody up?” Faye protested, raising an eyebrow.
“It’s waited since 2019. It can wait a little longer.” Steve said gently, and Mikey nodded in agreement.
“Get some sleep.” Ray grinned, waving her off.
Gerard, however, was biting his lip, conflicted. Here was the chance to finally- finally- end Better Living, and everyone was just willing to put it off. Faye could tell he wanted to do it now, and she was of the same mind.
“Why wait? It’s not like we’re actually going to the city.” Faye argued, and Steve gave her a stern look, immediately letting her know she’d overstepped some invisible boundary. Faye shut her mouth, eyes going wide as she shrank back slightly, fighting not to fall.
“I said ‘no’.” Steve replied firmly. “I’m sure there’s danger involved somehow, and we need you on top of things. So go get some rest. And stop pretending it doesn’t hurt, you’re freaking me out.”
“Well how do you want me to act?” Faye demanded, blinking as she stopped her hand from going to the bandages on her chest, refusing to wince.
“I dunno, cry or something. The rest of us would.” Steve eyed her, slightly weirded out.
“I did.” Faye shrugged carelessly, forcing herself not to flinch in pain. “But tears won’t fix me. Neither will whining about it.” Then she sighed. “But you’re right, I’ll go crash.”
“See? You want to get better.” Steve grinned, but Faye gave him a look like he was mad from the doorway where she braced herself.
“No, I just have to be on top of things when I hack the system; if we screw up, there’s no chance we’ll miss getting ghosted.” Faye turned away from the Killjoys, holding onto the wall as she passed out of sight. The men stood in silence for a moment, hearing her try to shuffle as quietly as possible down the hallway. Then they heard a crash, and all four headed after the kid as fast as they could.
Faye had collapsed only feet from her room, and was slumped against the wall, one hand pressed onto the bandage over her heart as she tried to steady her hitching, uneven breathing. She was glaring at the door as if killing the distance in her mind, furious tears leaking down her face, ignored as they mingled with tears of pain. She was already trying to get back on her feet, but she kept falling back down. Faye didn’t have it in her too keep going, but she was sure as hell trying.
Ray and Mikey both started forward, but Gerard beat them to her, picking Faye up and carrying her towards her room.
“Put me down; I can do it.” Faye growled, swallowing back her tears and trying to escape the Killjoy’s arms.
“I know you can, I’m just helping you out a bit.” Gerard said carefully as Faye tried to twist out of his hold. She was proving surprisingly hard to hold on to.
“Lemme go.” Faye demanded, finally managing to slip out of Gerard’s arms. The man barely caught her, gently setting her on her feet before she could try to get herself dropped again. She straightened up, standing away from the wall, glaring at Gerard. “Thank you.” Then she turned and marched as well as she could, right past her bedroom door.
“Faye, that’s not your room.” Mikey said patiently as Gerard sighed, shaking his head at the girl. Ray just rolled his eyes as Steve cocked his head to one side, watching her go.
“I’m going to see Boom Box. Then I’ll go do whatever the hell you want.” Faye grumbled over her shoulder, leaning on the wall outside Boom Box’s door before knocking. A small, wavering voice called for her to come in, so Faye pushed the door open. Faye’s eyes widened slightly when she saw Fun Ghoul sitting next to Boom Box on the bed, but then her gaze moved to the young kid and she smiled crookedly. “C’mon kid, don’t you cry.”
Boom Box gasped, then leapt off the bed, tackling Faye in a hug that knocked her stumbling back, into the wall on the opposite side of the narrow hallway, tears of pain leaking down her face. She ignored it all, though, smiling as she dropped to her knees to hug the younger girl back fiercely. “Smile! You’re okay! Dr. D said you weren’t gonna make it!”
“Ah, what does he know?” Faye teased, ruffling Boom Box’s hair. The two girls pulled apart slightly, and Boom Box’s ecstatic grin faded, making Faye frown in confusion. “What’s wrong?”
“You’re crying.” Boom Box said softly, then her eyes moved down to the bandages on Faye’s neck and chest, taking in the bruises and minor scrapes all over her. “You aregonna be okay, right?” The little girl asked, wide-eyed.
“You bet.” Faye grinned, pulling the girl in for another hug, smiling through the pain. “I have to go rest up for a while, though. I think they’re gonna lock me in so I heal up like I’m supposed to.” Faye winked at Boom Box, who giggled.
“I’ll come visit, and then I’ll bust you out.” The young Killjoy promised.
“I’ll hold you to it.” Faye grinned back, standing up and leaning on the wall. She glanced back into Boom Box’s room and saw Fun Ghoul staring at her, regret and shame all over his face. Bending slightly to whisper in Boom Box’s ear, Faye said softly, “Go cheer Fun Ghoul up, he looks kinda sad.” To which the short Killjoy nodded seriously, bouncing back into her room and shutting her door.
As soon as the door closed, Faye let herself gasp silently in pain, and fall gently back against the wall, sliding down it as her legs gave out. She didn’t make a sound, even when she finally hit the floor, she just let her head tip back against the faded plaster as she closed her eyes, trying to slow her frantic breathing.
“See? That was a bad idea.” Mikey remarked mildly from where he stood, arms crossed, flanked by Gerard and Ray. Dr. Death Defying had rolled away at some point, leaving only the three men to watch the girls’ moment. Faye jumped when she heard Mikey, not knowing he was still there, and looked at him in surprise. Then the girl scowled, roughly shoving herself to her feet.
“I’m… fine.” She growled, her voice slightly strangled. For the first time in seven years, Faye wished she had those pills that killed every sense and every feeling, if only to make the pain go away.
Ray moved first this time, gently taking Faye’s hand and walking slowly with her back towards her room. She kept one hand braced against the wall, trying hard not to limp as she gritted her teeth and stumbled forward.
“This isn’t so bad, is it?” Ray asked, grinning a little at the stubborn Killjoy, who was trying her hardest not to squeeze his hand or lean on him for support. He tugged her gently away from the wall, forcing Faye to either walk under her own power or let him help her.
Faye didn’t answer, feeling belittled and insignificant for needing to hold someone’s hand to walk down a hallway. She exhaled in relief when they finally reached her door, which Mikey swung open for them. Not making eye contact, Faye tried to pull her hand out of Ray’s, but he held on, helping her all the way to her bed. Faye collapsed sat on the blankets as best as she could, Mikey and Ray standing over her as Gerard lounged in the open doorway, arms crossed.
“You gonna be okay?” Mikey asked gently, trying to meet Faye’s eyes, but the girl was staring at the floor, though she nodded once. He sighed, giving up, and turned away, leaving the room. Faye was surprised enough to glance up after him, unintentionally letting Gerard and Ray see the tears she’d been trying to hide.
Ray smiled crookedly at the kid on the bed, ruffling her hair. “You’ll be alright.” Then he followed Mikey to the door.
Gerard frowned thoughtfully at Faye, who dropped his gaze, somewhat ashamed of her tears as she roughly brushed them away.
“That’s what you’re fighting for.” Gerard said, making the young girl look up once again, this time in confusion. “The emotions. Tears come with them.” He crossed the room and sat next to Faye, carefully draping an arm around her shoulders. “You’re out here, bleeding in the desert - ready to die - so you can cry. So you can feel the hurt, the pain, everything you’re feeling now. Still think it’s worth it?”
Faye held Gerard’s gaze, her eyes slightly wider than usual as she saw herself, the Killjoys, the whole world in this all-new way. She stopped brushing the tears off her face, letting them roll down her cheeks. “It’s not just the pain. There’re good things, too. They’re worth it.”
A crooked, approving smile crept across Gerard’s lips as he nodded. “That’s exactly it, Faye.”