Chapter 47 – These Memories Will Be The Death Of Me

Julie’s P.O.V

Jack couldn’t keep his hand off of me all night. Time and time again he’d run his hands over my stomach, grind his hips with mine, and lean in for a heated kiss or two. Honestly, I didn’t mind. I missed doing all of these things with him for about a week now, but something didn’t feel right. Jack, who was incredibly drunk, didn’t seem to notice. It was better off that way. I knew something was off, I just didn’t know what…

“How ‘bout anudder beer, sezzy?” Jack slurred at me.
“Sure,” I nodded and followed Jack into the kitchen for what had been about the 20th time. Everyone turned to stare at us when we walked in and I put on a smile.

“Jack, you did good, man,” someone I didn’t know thumped him on the back. The guy was totally checking me out and I felt the need to cover up my stomach, but I didn’t.
“She’s mine!” Jack wrapped his arm around my waist.
“I know man, I know. Just playin’,” the guy smiled drunkenly.
“Watch yo’ self!” Jack threatened jokingly. The guy just smiled and shuffled away into the crowd. Jack let go of my waist to open the fridge, which was surprisingly still full, and pulled out two beers. I knew I shouldn’t be drinking like this two nights in a row, but I honestly didn’t care. That seemed to be my attitude towards everything these days…

Actually, that was a lie. I cared a lot about everything. More than people thought. It was the times when I said I didn’t care that I actually cared the most. The times when I laughed it off that it really hurt. I knew I was slipping in and out of… no. I couldn’t have that problem. There’s no reason for me to think that I’m … I can’t even say it. If I think I have it, then I might actually get it… I can’t think about it. I can’t think about it –

I felt Jack snake his hand around my waist again as we walked towards the den. We started dancing and joking with Jack’s friends, and then for some reason the den started emptying out. Finally, there were only about 7 of us left in the room. Things got quiet because the people who brought everyone together walked off, so now it was just Jack and I standing alone.

I turned to face him, and saw his eyes raking over my body shamelessly. I smiled and rolled my eyes at his drunkenness. It was when he was drunk you could tell what he was really thinking about.

“Jack!” I gasped overdramatically and put my hands over my chest like a pharaoh.
“I can’t help it!” He whined. Our eyes finally met and immediately the mood changed:
“You look so hot,” He pinned my hands against the wall behind us and began kissing me. I felt a pit of fire burn up inside my stomach and I realized how much I needed Jack’s… attention?

I wasn’t sure if I should call his attention “love”, because I honestly never knew what “love” was. I mean, of course Lindsey, Gerard, and Bandit loved me like family, but other than “family love”, I wasn’t sure. And I think it’s that insecurity that’s making me so… depressed. There. I said it. I might be getting depressed… But I had so much to be happy about. Why am I always getting so upset?

Jack pressed his body up against mine and began softly pulling at my hair. He pulled away from my lips and started attacking my neck again. I tilted my head back as he bit and sucked away, most likely determined to give me another hickey. I squirmed when Jack found my weak spot. I felt his lips form a smile on my neck before he went in for the kill. I would definitely have a bruise there tomorrow.

Somehow, we made it upstairs to the room we were supposed to be staying in. Jack led the way and our lips crashed against each other almost as soon as the door closed behind us.

Jack’s hands found their way to my stomach. His hands roamed dangerously close to both my chest and the waistline of my shorts. His touch was driving me insane. I decided to return the favor and attempted biting Jack’s lip. He seemed to like it and so I continued. I had never done anything like this before. Both of us were getting so worked up, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Suddenly, Jack’s hands were going below the waistline of my jeans. His thumbs were tucked inside the waistband of my shorts. They were brushing my hipbones and the band of my underwear; I shivered involuntarily out of pleasure and pulled away from his lips.

“Jack,” I pressed my hands against his chest. We were up against the door of the bedroom. It was pitch black, and the air was filled with the intensity of our previous lip-lock. I looked up into his eyes and he frowned, somewhat confused. His hands remained where they were, he seemed to be in a daze.

“Jack, I’m sorry… I-I’m not ready for this yet…” I felt my cheeks flush in embarrassment and I stared down at our feet.

It felt like 10 minutes passed before either of us said anything or moved.

“Okay,” he nodded, pulling his hands away from me.
“Okay ‘what’?” I furrowed by brow.
“Arren we gunna change into PJs?” he asked, walking towards his bag on the bed.
“Oh, um, sure if you wanna,” I nodded. I walked over and pulled my bag closer to me.

I grabbed a big tie-dye t-shirt and some striped pajama shorts - Yeah those totally matched, right? – and shoved the rest of my things into my bag. Jack had already begun changing. I hesitantly turned to the side and pulled off my shirt.

Somehow, I managed to get off footing – I had had about 6 beers (I’m a lightweight) – and I fell flat on my butt.

Jack burst out laughing and I couldn’t help but join in. He reached his hands out to help me and I tried to stand up, but to no avail.

“C’mon!” Jack snorted.
“I can’t!” I gasped for air as another wave of laughter took over.
“Okay, okay, okay. One, two, three!” Jack yanked me up off my feet and I stumbled into him… in my underwear…

I saw his eyes fall down to my chest and polka-dotted bra and I just laughed even harder. This time, it was Jack’s turn to get embarrassed. He got caught and he knew it.

“I know you can’t help yourself from falling for a clumsy girl like me,” I laughed and wrapped my arms around him in a tight hug.
“Mhm,” he sighed and rested his head on top of mine.

Finally, after more clumsy changing, we made it to our bed.

“Jack?” I turned to face him.
“Yeah?” He turned to face me.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For everything,” I leaned in and planted a soft kiss on his lips.
“Love you,” he mumbled, a tired smile on his face.
“I love you too,” I grinned.

With that, we fell asleep passed out cuddled together under the blankets. So far, our stay in Baltimore was going fabulously.

I sighed and slowly opened my eyes. I hissed in pain; the room was so bright! I squinted around the room to see Kara and Rian passed out on the bed across from us. They were still in their clothes from last night. I shifted to look at Jack, who was also passed out. There was a little drool hanging out of his mouth, and I couldn’t help but chuckle.

I rested my head back down on my pillow and sighed. What would I do now? I’m the kind of person that once I’m up, I’m up. I could never fall back asleep. No one else would get up until at least 12… I honestly didn’t even know what possessed me to wake up so early.

I slowly started shifting away from Jack. The bed creaked loudly, and I winced. No one moved, but I held my position for another 10 seconds. Finally, I rolled off the bed and thumped onto the floor. I shook my head and searched around for my glasses and my phone.

When I finally found them, I stood up and made my way towards the door. I made sure everyone was sound asleep before I closed the door.

I walked down the steps and into the living room, which was basically trashed. There were people, cans, bottles, food, and plates everywhere. I stepped over two passed out crew guys and made my way towards the kitchen.

Normally, I would go and find Alex to ask if I could go through his kitchen in search of food, but I knew better than to do that. So, I began rummaging through the cabinets for a bowl, a spoon, and some cereal.

I mentally cursed Alex out for having such a large kitchen with so many cabinets and drawers everywhere. I had been through four drawers before I found a spoon! In the middle of my search, I heard someone laughing behind me. I quickly turned around to see Matt Flyzik.

“Matt!” I whisper-yelled and hopped over the strewn food on the floor. I tackled him into a hug and he stumbled back. When he regained his footing he returned the hug.

“You give really good hugs,” I laughed softly.
“I’ve been told that,” I could hear the smile in his voice.
“How did you get in?” I pulled away to look at him.
“I have a spare key,” he stepped back and pulled out a bronze key from his back pocket.
“Ahh, smart thinking,” I nodded.
“Yeah, ever since the guys got together I’ve had a key.”
“You guys are really close, aren’t you?” I smiled. I never really got to sit down and talk to Matt. He seemed like such a nice guy! He also kind of had a lisp, which made him even more adorable than he already was. I just wanted to give him the biggest hug and pinch his cheeks!

“Well, since you practically live here, wanna tell me where the cereal is?” I winced as a ray of sun flashed through the big kitchen windows onto my face.
“Umm, you won’t really find cereal here… They’re more of a tea and crumpets family.”
“Oh,” I mentally smacked myself in the head. They were British! They didn’t eat things like cereal for breakfast.
“If you’re really hungry, I know a place that serves Hangover Breakfasts,” Matt chuckled.
“Oh my gosh! That’s so funny!” I laughed.
“It’s really good,” he nodded.
“Yeah! Give me the directions and I’ll dri- Oh wait… I don’t have a car,” I frowned, “I can always walk,” I waved a hand in his direction and pulled out my phone. “You can tell me and I’ll write it down.”
“Or I could just drive you?” He laughed.
“Well, I don’t want to mess up your schedule. You’re a manager. I can go out and find it. I’m from New York! I got this!” I waved a hand and smiled. Honestly, how hard could it be to find a breakfast joint in this little town over here?
“Well, I don’t have to do any real managing until these guys get up, and on top of that I only know how to get there from memory,” Matt replied, his hands in his pockets.

In all honesty, I was hesitant to go because he was my boyfriend’s manager. Yeah sure, we talked here and there, but we weren’t on a ‘hey we’re technically friends lets chill sometime’ basis.

“You really don’t have to,” I smiled politely.
“I didn’t eat breakfast yet either,” Matt added, patting his tummy. He was being SO NICE! Argh!
“Well… if you insist. And you’re sure that you don’t have to do anything... okay,” I finally gave in.
“Um, before you go you should probably, um,” Matt’s face turned slightly pink. I stared down at my short, stripped pajama pants and my over-sized tie-dye t-shirt. I got the hint.
“Yeah I’ll get fixed up, just give me a second,” I laughed.

I quickly ran upstairs and got some sweatpants capries and one of Jack’s v-necks. Then I quickly brushed my teeth, pulled my hair back into a loose ponytail, and rinsed my face before I ran back downstairs.

Matt was looking at some of the Gaskarth family photos on the wall of the foyer when I went to find some flip-flops.

In an awkward silence, I found a pair that fit me and slipped them on. When I looked up, I saw Matt smiling down at his phone. Who was he texting? I felt a knowing grin creep on my face. I knew what that kind of smile was. That was the smile you had when you were texting someone you liked! He looked up and blushed before tucking away his phone and opening the door.

“Ladies first,” he nodded.
“Aw thanks!” I grinned and stepped out into the warm Baltimore air.

I walked down the front path and waited for Matt, who was locking the door. I didn’t know what car he was using.

“Oh, yeah, excuse my car. Even though it’s old, I needed to take it out for a spin,” Matt took out a set of keys and hit the unlock button. A small, silver Honda civic beeped and Matt walked toward it. It’s paint looked a little worse for ware, but nothing too shabby. It looked like a regular car.

“I like this car!” I smiled as I sat down in the passenger seat and closed the door.
“Yeah, this was my first car. I picked it up from my house this morning,” Matt laughed.
“This is a nice first car,” I nodded in approval, “My parents would have gotten me an old, beat up jalopy.”
“Well, I split the cost half and half with my dad. So whatever I had, he matched.”

We both buckled in and I sat back in my seat. It was quite comfy! I tried to keep my mind off of the memories of my dad – my real dad not Gerard – trying to teach me how to drive in a parking lot in Brooklyn… We had only done it a few times since I didn’t have my permit yet, but I remember him teaching me the basics. I shook my head and looked for something else to compliment.

“It seriously looks great. I can only imagine what mine would look like,” I raised my eyebrows and laughed.
“Yeah, it’s from 2001. Not too bad,” he started up the engine and began driving. From Alex’s corner onward, we began winding through the suburbs of Towson. I could see how he would only know how to go by memory; all of the streets looked the same!

The ride to the diner was actually not as awkward as I thought it would have been. Matt was very nice and kept the conversation going. I also got to talk to him more about his Mickey Mouse/Disney obsession – he was so adorable! I almost physically couldn’t handle his adorableness. In my eyes, he was like a brother.

We got a spot right in front of the diner, which was named ‘Joe’s’, and walked in.

“Matt! How ya’ doin?” a waitress behind the 50’s styled counter greeted us.
“Good, good,” he smiled.
“Take a seat anywhere,” she gestured to the virtually empty booths and tables. There were only a few old locals here for the early bird special.

Matt nodded and led us to a little table close to the front window. There were already two menus and two sets of eating utensils there. I searched the menu for the infamous meal Matt had told me about, and I found it right on the top of the breakfast page.

“See it?” Matt smiled at me from over his menu.
“Yeah!” I nodded.

The waitress walked over and placed two small glasses of water in front of us.

“So Matt, no more Kendra?” the waitress asked Matt.
“Um, this is actually Jack’s… girlfriend,” Matt’s face flushed and I felt mine turn red also.
“I was the only one awake,” I attempted to explain.
“Everyone else was still asleep when I came by to check on the house… Alex had a party,” Matt continued on.
“And there was no food left in the house, so Matt brought me here so I wouldn’t starve to death,” I pushed my glasses up on my nose before turning back to my menu. Even though I knew what I wanted to order, I still went back to scanning the page.
“Oh, okay then…” the waitress said.

I looked up from my menu when Matt did, and she looked back down at me and frowned. I raised my eyebrows and looked at her expectantly. Was there something on my face?

“You don’t look like Jack’s type,” she shook her head.
“That’s what most people say,” Matt said quickly before I could say anything. He gave me an apologetic glance before he turned back to the waitress.
“God bless you, hun’. I wouldn’t be able to handle him.”
“Thank you,” I replied politely.

“Do you know what you want?” she switched topics.
“Yeah, can I get the Hangover Breakfast?” Matt asked. The waitress nodded and turned to me.
“I’ll have the same thing, please,” I nodded. She raised her eyebrows and nodded. I finally caught sight of her nametag; it said Mary.
“Anything to drink?”
“Um I’ll have a coffee, regular,” Matt folded up his menu and I did the same. Mary nodded and turned to me.
“I’ll have orange juice, please.”
“Alright, coming right up,” Mary finished scribbling and turned on her heel.

“Sorry about that,” Matt smiled apologetically.
“It’s okay,” I rolled my eyes and laughed, “So… who’s Kendra?”
Matt’s face turn pink. I now knew how funny it felt to make someone blush. I, unlike the people who made me blush, however, knew how painful these situations could be. I decided not to tease him any further.

“She’s my girlfriend,” he nodded.
“Oh okay,” I smiled and nodded.
“Yeah, she’s taking finals right now. She’s in college,” he explained.
“Ahh I see. What is she studying?”
“Well, right now she’s an undecided major, but I think she’s planning on doing something in Public Communications.”
“That’s awesome! If I went to college I probably would be studying to be a pharmacist or something,” I laughed.
“You like science?”
“I can tolerate it. I really enjoy writing, history, and music, but science is where the money’s at.”
“True, true... I can see you being a pharmacist,” Matt laughed.
“With my hair slicked back, lab coat on, big glasses, and squeaky shoes. Right?” I poked fun at myself.
“Yes!” he laughed and shook his head.
“And then I’d be like ‘Hi welcome to Walgreens’ and then there’d be that old lady who has like 5,000,000 prescriptions,” I continued.
“That’s great,” Matt laughed.

Mary walked over with our drinks and placed them in front of us.

“Thank you,” I smiled politely.
“No problem,” she replied before she walked away again.

I took one of the straws she left on the table and took a sip. I winced from the coldness and the strong citrus flavor.

“Ow.”
“Have a headache?”
“Yeah, just a little bit,” I sighed and took off my glasses. As I was pinching the bridge of my nose, I saw Matt’s hand take my glasses. I raised my eyes to look at him and burst out laughing.

“Your vision isn’t that bad,” he said as he looked around the room with my glasses on.
“Yeah,” I nodded, “You actually don’t look bad in those. Here lemme take a picture.” I pulled out my phone and rested my elbows on the table. Matt turned to me and smiled and I snapped a shot.

“Look!” I held it out to him.
“Oh my God! Delete that!” he laughed and pushed my hand away. I shook my head, locked my phone, and put it inside my bra.
“Ugh,” Matt sighed.

Mary came over with two big plates piled high with food. She took a glance at Matt, who was still wearing my glasses, and raised her eyebrows. I burst out laughing, wincing at the pain it caused.

“You two are something else,” Mary shook her head as she walked away.
“Give me back my glasses,” I held out my hand, which shook with my laughter. Matt grinned and passed them to me.
“Thank you,” I smiled and put them back on my face.

I looked down at my plate and felt my stomach growl. This plate was piled high with food and I couldn’t wait to eat it all. I began attacking the scrambled eggs and bacon, and I saw Matt watching me. It was obvious to see he was fighting a smile.

“Bro, I didn’t have anything to eat yesterday,” I laughed as I took a sip of my OJ.
“It’s fine. It’s just…usually girls don’t like to eat a lot,” Matt grinned.
“I am not every other girl, Matthew Flyzik. You remember that,” I pointed my fork at him. He nodded with a semi-serious face and continued eating his pancakes. The rest of our breakfast was pretty much silent – The food was that amazing.

By the time we finished, it felt like Matt and I had been friends for 2 years instead of two hours. I could see why the guys loved him so much: he was a great person! And unlike my lovely boyfriend and his friends, he wasn’t rude, and he didn’t make crude jokes every five seconds.

By the time we got home it was 11 and there were a few crew guys just waking up. I could only imagine how bad their backs must have hurt from being passed out on the floor.

Normally, I would start up a pot of coffee and set out some cereal - but there was none. So, I left Matt to take charge. He was really nice to the crew guys about them having bad hangovers and he even got some Advil and Tylenol for them to take.

I myself took some Advil then went to go and sit in the den, where there was the least damage. I noticed there was someone passed out on the couch across from me. I leaned over in my seat and saw it was Tyson. I smiled to myself and shook my head. I sighed and brought my feet up on the couch. I pulled my phone out of my shirt and looked for any new messages. I had none. So, I decided to text a few people. I wrote “Hey” and sent it to Billie, James, and Tom.

I heard someone walk in the room and I turned to see Jack. He looked absolutelyhorrible. I got up, took his hand in mine, and led him to the couch. I sat down and without me telling him, he curled up and put his head on my lap. I took a pillow from behind me and lifted up his head – A pillow would be much more comfier for him, well, at least in my opinion. He sat up a bit so I could fix it before he plopped down again.

I mindlessly began running my hands through his black and blond hair, making sure to massage his temples in the process. Jack groaned in pain and I sighed an “I-know-me-too” sigh.

While I was rubbing Jack’s head, I thought back to the times when my mom would massage my head when I was feeling stressed or sad… I reflected again on Matt and I’s breakfast, and I remembered the times when my dad would take my sister and I out to breakfast at the little diner on the corner if we woke up early on a Sunday… I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind, I couldn’t think of them or I’d get more depressed…

As the hours progressed, I heard more people getting up. The house was quiet except for the scraping of chairs, the occasional moan/groan, and a few small conversations that happened between Matt and someone who was willing to talk. Even I had to admit, having a hangover in Alex’s house was horrible. It was so damn bright – no matter where you went!

I felt myself dozing off to sleep a few times as I sat there rubbing Jack’s head, and decided to rest my eyes. I heard someone shuffle into the den and gasp. I opened my eyes slowly and saw Kat standing there in sweatpants and an ATL t-shirt she had bought sometime yesterday.

“That is the cutest and funniest thing I’ve ever seen,” she whispered-laughed, putting a hand over her heart.
“Thanks,” I whispered back and stole a glance at Jack. He was out cold again. I smiled down at him then looked back up a Kat.

“Look what happens if I stop,” I whispered as I took my hands off Jack’s head. Almost immediately Jack’s brow furrowed and he reached up a hand to feel his head.

I giggled quietly and saw Kat silently laughing as well. This had happened a few times before when Jack fell asleep while I was rubbing his head on the bus.

“That’s great,” Kat laughed.
“I noticed that when I tried to text or change the channel he got all upset in his sleep, and ever since then I do it to just get a laugh,” I grinned and then began massaging Jack’s head again. He immediately calmed down and rested his hands under his head.

Kat saw Tyson and I saw her frown a little bit. Did she not like Tyson? Kat walked past him and sat in one of the chairs next to the TV.

“So, how you feeling?” I whispered over to her.
“Eh, I’ve been better. I have a killer headache.”
“Mine was bad this morning, but it’s going away.”
“ ‘This morning’? What time did you get up?” Kat raised her eyebrows.
“Um, like 9…”
“Geez! That’s really early,” she shook her head.
“Yeah I know. To think I’ve been doing this everyday since the beginning of tour…” I trailed off, remembering all of those fun nights. Some were good, some were not so good, but over all, I enjoyed each night and was thankful to spend it with the people I held most dearly to me. Well… not everyone…

The sound of someone else walking into the room snapped me out of my horrible thoughts. It was Zack, looking incredibly handsome as he always did with his tousled hair, muscular arms, and sweat pants hanging loosely on his hips.

But not even Zack could break my train of thought for too long. I shivered involuntarily, trying to forget the images previously replaying in my mind. I looked down at Jack and saw his sleeping face; he looked so at peace. I held onto this as I worked up the concentration to focus on starting a conversation with Zack and Kat. Somehow we ended up talking about winter sporting events…

About 15 minutes later, I felt my phone buzz. I sighed apologetically and pulled it out of my pocket. I had three text messages. I guess I hadn’t felt the first two when they buzzed.

I unlocked my phone and read the texts:

- hey… whats up? – Tom
- heyy jules hows it goin – Billie
- hey ☺ what’s good? – James

I mentally slapped myself for striking up conversations with Tom and James. Why do I always cause myself so much trouble? Maybe I started a conversation with Tom because I subconsciously was trying to get back in touch with my old life - what was left of it.

Tom was about as close as I could get to my old life, same with Billie and Kat. They were just fossils of what used to be, perpetually preserved and constant reminders of the path my life could have taken – and possibly not taken… As for James, well I figured I better keep everyone in the loop, which reminded me to text Deanna, so that they knew I didn’t fall off the face of the earth with all of their dreams in tow.

I quickly sent replies, Tom’s being the awkwardest, and turned back to talk to Zack and Kat about snowboarding and skiing. As we were talking, I felt Jack move and he slowly sat up.

“Don’t open your eyes too fast,” I said softly in his ear. He nodded. I heard him hiss in pain as his eyes got flooded with the blinding light from the white-walled house, and I put a comforting hand on his back and made circles.

“Julie’s so nice to Jack,” I heard someone comment from the doorway. I turned my head to see Lisa standing there, loose pajamas hanging off her shoulders and hips. Her hair was messed up - but it looked nice - and her face still had the remnants of some makeup on it – which also happened to still look nice. I offered her a smile and turned to look at Kat, who also smiled and nodded. Zack remained quiet as usual.

“Morning guys,” Lisa said as she sat down on the arm of the sofa Tyson was passed out on. She was sitting just out of reach of his huge feet.

Jack turned to face me. I looked into his bloodshot eyes and smiled. He tried to slump back over but I held out my arms, caught him, and sat him back up.

“No, no, no. You can’t spend the day asleep. You need to wake up,” I said in a tone I would use with a small child. Jack groaned and thumped his head onto my shoulder.
“Ow,” I laughed. I stole a glance at Kat and Zack, who were chuckling along with me.

“It burns,” Jack whined.
“What burns?” I asked.
“The light,” he whispered. I wrinkled my nose and used my hand to clear the air.
“You know what really burns?” I didn’t wait for Jack to reply, “Your morning breath.”

Now everyone was laughing, and Jack took his head off my shoulder to grimace at me.

“Don’t give me that look. Get up off your hung-over ass and go brush your teeth!” I nudged his shoulder playfully. Jack just held my glance with his droopy, bloodshot eyes and I continued to stare back, determined to win.

Finally, Jack sighed impatiently and shuffled out of the den.

“Julie, I love you,” Lisa laughed. I grinned. Honestly, his breath was really bad!

Jack came back five minutes later with a pair of sunglasses on. He sat down next to me and breathed right in my face before collapsing on the couch. Kat, Zack, and Lisa laughed and I just smiled.

“Minty fresh!” I leaned over and kissed his lips lightly. Jack would haven taken it to the next level, but I gave him a look before he could raise his hands to pull me back in for another kiss. Even hung-over, Jack was a hormonal mess. I just shook my head and laughed. Even if he was a mess, he was my mess.

“Guys, we need to clean up and get everyone out. Alex’s mom and dad are going to be home in 30 minutes,” Matt appeared in the doorway.

The laughter stopped and we all just turned to stare at him.

“Guys, I really need your help,” Matt furrowed his brow.

“I’ll help you, Matt,” I stood up and walked over to him.
“Thank you!” he nodded.

Turns out that my volunteering guilted everyone else into helping. Hayley, Zack, Kat, Lisa, Kara, Rian, Chris, Nick, the rest of Paramore – everyone except Tyson, Alex, a few crew guys, and some of the guys’ local friends who just woke up and left – was helping to clean up.

As I was swiffering the kitchen, I saw Alex walk in, a smile on his face.

“Morning, Mr. Sunshine,” I commented wittily.
“Hey, Jules,” he walked over to the fridge, pulled out some orange juice, and hoisted himself on top of the counter I had just finished cleaning. He looked way too happy for someone who drank as much as he did last night.

Lisa, as if sensing his presence in the kitchen from the living room, walked right over to him. She stood in-between his legs, a smile on her face. Alex leaned in and kissed her. She kissed him back and I quickly went back to my own thoughts. I felt like I was invading their privacy. Lisa was whispering into Alex’s ear when Vinny walked in, sunglasses on.

“Hey, Vinny,” I smiled as I continued swiffering into the dining room.
“Hey,” he mumbled before turning to look at Alex and Lisa. Vinny raised his eyebrows, and Alex grinned at him over Lisa’s head and gave him the finger behind her back.

As I was swiffering, I tried to remember the last time I had used one of these things. My mom always used to yell at me for not swiffering my room… Sarah and I used to argue over whose turn it was to swiffer on Saturdays – our weekly family cleaning day. I felt a small smile form on my lips, those were such silly things to fight about. I wondered if Aunt Marilu made Sarah do any chores… God, how long has it been since I even spoke to them, let alone thought about them? I felt a small pile of guilt build up in the corner of my mind…

Jack walked into the kitchen, a mountain of garbage in his hands. I rested the Swiffer against the wall and rushed over to open the trashcan for him.

“Thanks, babe,” he nodded.

I felt my phone buzz as I was walking back to the swiffer. I had three text messages:

- ah hangovers suck. hope you guys feel better – James
- oh that’s cool. kat’s in maryland too. – Tom
- you’ve been doing too much partying for my liking :P – Billie

I grinned and wrote Billie’s reply first:
- I can party however much I want, thank you very much xD

Then James’s:
- Thanks! So, are you in school right now? Idk what day it is lmao

And then lastly, Tom’s:
- Yeah I got a chance to catch up with her. I miss all of you guys…

“Who do you miss?” Jack’s head appeared over my shoulder. I jumped in surprise and he laughed and wrapped his arms around my waist.
“I miss my friends from Jersey… and other people too…” I looked up at him from an angle to see his reaction to my words.
“Oh…”
“Yeah, but I haven’t seen them for almost a year now, so what difference does it make…” I knew I wasn’t talking about my Jersey friends anymore.
“Tour’s almost over?” Jack offered.
“I still won’t see them,” I shook my head.
“Yes you will, you can see them any time you want to when we get back,” he said, trying to assure me.
“They don’t even know me anymore.”
“Yes they do. You haven’t changed…”
“They probably hate me now. I left and never looked back. I left and never bothered to check up on her,” tears began to pool in my eyes.
“Her?” Jack let go of my waist and turned my shoulders so that we were facing each other. I looked up at his sunglasses and shook my head. I couldn’t say her name.
“Julie, who are you talking about?” I shook my head again. Now the tears were falling more freely.
“Don’t cry. You didn’t do anything to anyone,” Jack tried to reason with me, his hands still on my shoulders.
“I can’t talk about this now… not here,” I broke away from his grip and went into the other room.

Jack followed me, still looking confused. The fact that he didn’t understand was making me more upset. The tears continued to stream down my face silently. I wrapped my arms around my torso, trying to hold myself together.

“…Later, then. We’ll talk later,” he pulled me into a hug. I sniffed and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. Jack let go and walked into the kitchen. When he came back he had a piece of paper towel.

“Thanks,” I said before I took it and blew my nose, “I’m gunna go wash my face.” I handed Jack the Swiffer and started off for the bathroom. I pulled out my phone as I walked so I wouldn’t have to make eye contact with anyone.

- we all miss you too. i’m sure kat told you about everything – Tom
- if there was school today i wouldn’t go. its saturday :P – Jimmy
- yeah well partying catches up to u eventually. i’m feeling it right now lol… - Billie

I reached the bathroom and was about to open the door when I caught myself and remembered to knock.

“One second!” came a familiar voice. I heard a flush and the faucet and then bam, there was Nick in the doorway. I felt kind of awkward since I never really talked to anyone from AAR, so I just offered a small smile.

“Hey, Julie!” he smiled and walked right past me. I was just walking around him to go into the bathroom when he backtracked and caught the door from closing.

“Are you alright?”
“…I’m just… missing people right now.”
“Yeah, being on the road is tough sometimes…”
“There’s nothing I can do about it, even if I was home. I just have to get over it…”
“Oh, well, I’m sure you can do something about it.”
“I-I don’t know if I could.”
“I know I don’t really know you, but I’m pretty sure you can go home and fix things up with everyone you’re missing,” he gave me a small smile and held my gaze for a while before nodding and continuing down the hallway.

I processed his words as I washed my face off in the sink. Maybe Nick was right; maybe I could fix up things with Sarah and my cousins. I barely knew them now, their faces there in my mind, but getting blurrier every day…

I dried off my hands and patted my face. After a quick once over in the mirror, I left and was almost back in the kitchen when I heard the front door open.

“Thank goodness the house is still standing,” I heard Alex’s mom laugh, “We’re home, kids!” She then called out. I was just getting into the kitchen when Alex rushed past me.

“Hey, mom,” I heard him say. Everyone was straightening out themselves now, because the house was pretty much clean. It was the fear of being caught with a severe hangover that scared everyone.

Kara, who had gotten dressed before she came downstairs to help, was fixing her shirt even though it looked fine. Lisa rushed into the den to fix herself in the mirror, Jack took off his sunglasses, Nick tried to help Tyson stand up straight, and Matt kept looking the room over to make sure everything was in place. I did my best to smile and look as happy as I could.

“Oh! Look at all of you up and about!” Mrs. Gaskarth smiled.
“Glad the house isn’t torn down,” Mr. Gaskarth added. He didn’t seem too pleased to have us here.

“Oh, Dad, this is Zack’s girlfriend, Katherine,” Alex pointed to Kat and Zack.
“Hello, nice to meet you,” Kat smiled. Mr. Gaskarth nodded his head and gave a small smile that didn’t seem to reach his eyes.
“And this is Julie, Jack’s girlfriend,” Alex pointed to me.
“God bless you, child.”
“Ha ha, thanks,” I smiled politely.

Alex introduced a few other band members, then there was an awkward silence; no one wanted to say anything out of fear of Mr. Gaskarth.

“So,” Alex’s mom clapped her hands, breaking the silence with her cheery voice, “did you all have breakfast?”
“No, but we’re all going to eat when we leave,” Alex explained.
“Oh, okay. Well, don’t let us hold you up. We’ve got it from here. You all did a good job of tidying up, thank you!” she smiled at us as we exited the kitchen.

“Alex’s dad doesn’t like it when all of us are over,” Jack explained when we were upstairs.
“Yeah, he doesn’t approve of the partying… But when you come over for dinner and such, he’s a good guy,” Rian added. I nodded and kept my thoughts to myself.

“So, where should we go; iHop or Denny’s?” Alex poked his head through the doorway.
“iHop!” Jack exclaimed, making Kara and I jump.
“Same here,” Rian nodded.
“iHop, definitely,” Kara agreed.
“I’m not really hungry, so wherever you guys wanna go,” I shrugged. Alex gave me a skeptical glance and then continued down the hallway to the other rooms.

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” Jack asked me.
“I’ll be alright…” I turned to pick up my bags.
“Because, if you’re not hungry, something’s wrong. Like, we’re always hungry. You’re my eating buddy, man,” he grinned goofily. I turned around and smiled at him. He was trying to cheer me up and it was working.
“I already had breakfast, but I’ll see how I feel when we get there.”
“Wait, what?”
“Matt took me to breakfast. I was the first one up,” I explained.
“Oh,” Jack frowned.
“Don’t be upset,” I returned his frown.
“No, it’s alright…”
“We can go for breakfast together tomorrow?” I offered.
“Okay,” he nodded.

I gave him a small smile and walked downstairs to the foyer. Matt and AAR were downstairs waiting. Matt’s phone buzzed and he pulled it out to look at a text message. He quickly wrote a reply then put his phone back into his pocket.

“Alright, the vans are here. You guys can hop in and head back to the venue.”
“You coming?” Nick asked me.
“No, I’m still brining stuff down,” I rested my bags on the floor, making it look like I was going back upstairs, “I’ll see you guys at iHop.”
“Alright, bye!” they waved and were out the door.

The house was still bustling with people as I stood there. I didn’t really have any other bags to bring down, I just didn’t feel like riding in a van with AAR. I didn’t want to deal with anyone except for my friends, and even then that was pushing it.

I turned to look at some of the family photos that were hung up on the wall. I noticed there were a few pictures with two boys in them. One of them was obviously Alex, and one boy who appeared to be older than him.

“Hey, Matt?” I called out absentmindedly as I tried to guess who the boy was. Surely Matt would know…
“Matt went to go help Lisa and Alex, may I assist you?” Mr. Gaskarth rounded the corner. Something in my stomach told me not to ask him about the pictures, but I was facing the wall already. My ears flushed and I straightened myself up. I felt intimidated by his presence. I sensed that he did not like me. His accent also threw me off as well… I had to speak before he really thought I was just another one of Jack’s dumb girl friends.

“Oh… I was just wondering if we were taking individual cars to iHop or if we were getting a van. Sorry to bother you, Mr. Gaskarth,” I finished quickly.
“I overheard Matt saying that he called three vans. Does that help you any?”
“Well, if one band just left, that leaves Paramore and us. So, yes, it did. Thank you very much,” I nodded politely.
“You’re welcome…” he waited for me to say my name.
“Juliet.”
“Ah, yes. Sorry, I’m horrible with names.”
“It’s okay,” I smiled politely.
“Did you enjoy your stay?”
“Oh, yes. Your house is lovely. I had a great time.”
“Thank you… What part of Baltimore are you from?”
“I’m not from Maryland, I’m from New York City.” He raised his eyebrows, which were big and bushy just like Alex’s.
“It’s complicated… but I live in New Jersey with my family now, and that’s how we met. At a Jersey show.”
“May I ask what your parents do for a living that you are on this tour?”
“My dad,” the word still felt unfamiliar in my mouth, “is the lead singer in My Chemical Romance and my mom is the bass player in Mindless Self Indulgence.”
“Ah, okay,” he seemed to be processing the information and putting it together. I was an orphan, the facts made it obvious.

“MATT!” Jack ran down the steps, his bag clunking behind him.
“What happened?” Matt called back from somewhere within the house.
“WHEN ARE WE LEAVING? I’M STARVING!” Jack continued to scream to his manager as he came to stand with Mr. Gaskarth and I in the foyer. I caught Mr. Gaskarth’s glance and he rolled his eyes knowingly. I smiled; maybe he wasn’t that bad after all.

“Jack.” Jack turned to face Alex’s dad.
“Do you think you could spare my eardrums for one day?”
“Sorry,” Jack shrunk behind me. I laughed as Jack hung onto my shoulders.
“Don’t hide behind her!” he chuckled, “She’s not the one screaming to high heaven.”
“But I’m hungry!” he whined, wrapping his arms around me. I felt my face flush and I looked up at him. He glanced down at me and gave me that smile that made my heart melt. He rested his head on mine and I laughed quietly.

“You’re so comfy,” Jack sighed.
“I’m glad you think so,” I continued to laugh. Jack’s stomach growled ferociously, the growling reaching my back. I stepped away to look at him in shock.
“I told you I was hungry!”
“Geez! It was like an earthquake!”
“Sorry,” he grinned sheepishly.

“A little help here?” I heard a voice call out. I went to the steps and saw Hayley struggling with her things. I rushed over and took one of her bags.
“Thanks.”
“No problem! The vans should be here soon.”
“Awesome.”
“Last night was fun, eh?”
“Yeah. I’m surprised you’re not feeling the pain,” she joked.
“Oh, I was, still am. I’m just fighting it,” I smiled wearily.
“You’re such a trooper!” she wrinkled her nose and smiled.

We walked back into the foyer to find Jack standing there looking like he was ruminating on something important.

“Their house is so nice,” Hayley said as she glanced around one last time.
“Yeah, I like it a lot,” I nodded.
“I hate it,” Alex said sarcastically as he walked in with his bag. Matt and Lisa followed behind, Matt carrying Lisa’s things.
“The next van should be rolling up now,” Matt nodded towards the door.

“GUYS!” Hayley called out.
“WHAT?”
“WE’RE COMING, HOLD UP!”
“WAIT FOR ME!”

The guys from Paramore came bustling into the foyer, bags in hand.

“I hope you all have a good time on the rest of tour!” Alex’s mom and dad appeared.
“Thank you so much for everything!” Hayley smiled.
“Oh! Not a problem, dear.”
“Thank you!”
“Thank you!”
“Have a good day!”

“Goodbye,” Mr. Gaskarth called after Paramore as they filed out the door.

“What’s taking the vans so long to get here?” Alex asked.
“I don’t know. I think there was a party or something back at the venue and a lot of crew members were… impaired,” Matt finished, not wanting to make things sound bad in front of Alex’s parents.
“That’s alright. Patience is a virtue,” I looked sharply at Alex.
“Oh, okay. Like you would know,” Alex rolled his eyes immaturely.
“You’re such a girl,” Kara laughed.
“Shh!” he smirked.

Our playful banter was cut short by the ringing of Matt’s phone.

“That means they’re here!” he nodded.
“Bye, mom,” Alex went over to hug his parents.
“Love you!” His mom kissed his cheek. Lisa followed behind and soon it was one big goodbye line. Jack and I were the last two people to say goodbye.

“It was nice meeting you both!” I smiled.
“Oh! The pleasure was ours,” Mrs. Gaskarth smiled.
“You remember what I said,” Mr. Gaskarth looked at Jack knowingly, “She’s a keeper!” I smiled and turned to look at Jack, who just smiled and nodded. We walked down the front steps and to the van.

“Have a great day, lovies!” Mrs. Gaskarth called from the door.

“Bye!” We all waved.

Rian shut the door and then we were off to iHop. As soon as we were off the block, we all whipped out our sunglasses and pulled on our hoods.

“I need a naaaaap,” Kara sighed.
“Ditto,” Lisa nodded.
“Even though my head is killing me, I must say that that was a great time,” I chipped in. At this everyone agreed and began sharing stories about last night.

I rested my head on Jack’s shoulder and took a deep breath; it felt good to be here in this van with my best friends. My phone went off and I took it out of my pocket and looked at the number on the screen. I didn’t know it, but I answered it anyways.

“Hello?”
“Hello, Juliet.”
“Who is this?”
“Ha. I knew you wouldn’t recognize who it was. How’s life over there in that little cloud you live on?”
“Who is this?” I sat up straight.

“Julie, what’s the matter?” Kat leaned over. Everyone was watching and listening to me.

“It’s me, you deserter.”
“Me who? I’m sorry I don’t know who this is. I’m sorry,” I felt my heart begin to quicken. I had a feeling I knew who it was. After all, they said some siblings had telepathic connections…
“I just wanted to know, you know, if you ever planned on checking up on me. I guess not. It’s Sarah. Thanks for nothing, bitch.”

The line went dead. I couldn’t even move. Everyone was still waiting for me to say something. I felt the phone slip from my hands.

“Julie. Julie!” Hayley realized something was wrong right away. I felt tears come to my eyes and my breath starting to catch in my throat.

“Julie,” Jack leaned forward to look at me, but I didn’t meet his gaze.

I knew it. I had called it before it even happened. She hated me now.