Rock And Roll Ruined My Life- Chapter 25- Cutting.

** Fast Forward to 7:00 PM

I woke up with a start, tears afresh on my face. I wiped them away and picked up my glasses. It was only seven. I sighed and went to the bathroom. When I looked at my face I wanted to punch the mirror. It was blotchy, and red, and puffy with sleep. And it was all his fault. I began shaking with rage. I washed off my face with cold water and dried it off.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a razor on the edge of the tub. I picked it up and stared it, studying all of the tiny blades lined one after another in perfect rows. I wondered who’s it was, Gerard’s or Lindsey’s? It was one of those disposable ones. It could be anyone’s…

I held it to my wrist. Immediately I began shaking with another emotion, fear. I couldn’t do it. I put it down and was about to open the door when another wave of anger surged through me. I picked up the razor again, looked up at the white ceiling, held my breath, and did a short cut across my wrist. I gasped. The pain was so acute, but the emotions behind it made it feel ten times worse. It was barely an inch long. I watched as a tiny line of red appeared. It was as straight across, a clean cut. I waited for the bleeding to stop, but it wouldn’t. Was it really that deep? My heart picked up speed. What if someone came upstairs and wanted to brush their teeth and I was still here? I began to feel queezy.

I realized how much I hated blood and needles and everything that had to do with cutting things open. I leaned over the toilet bowl and dry-heaved. I wiped my mouth, thankful I hadn’t really heaved, and washed my face and wrist in the sink, vowing to never cut again. I poured peroxide over the cut and the blade. As everything was being sanitized, I got out a band-aid and put it over the cut. I walked out of the bathroom and decided it would be best to go back to bed.

Before I went to sleep again I walked over to my closet and took out a pair of black skinny jeans and a long sleeve shirt that hung off one shoulder. I took out my boots and placed socks next to them. Just in case I woke up late. I walked over to my bed and faced away from the door just in case anyone came in and decided to check on me. As if on que I heard someone run upstairs.

“Jules?” It was Gerard. I heard him knock on the bathroom door, with no response he moved on to my door and knocked lightly. I heard a creek and saw light appear on the wall I was facing. He sighed, closed the door, and went back downstairs. They probably thought I was going to join them for dinner. A twang of guilt ran through me. I shouldn’t be doing this to myself. After all they did for me and I was worrying them with my boy problems. I vowed to brighten up and get over that cheating bastard.

I sat up and went down stairs. Immediately I felt someone tackle me around my waist and legs. I looked down to see Frank and Bandit hugging me. Suddenly all of MCR plus Lindsey had me in a group hug. I couldn’t help but cry out of happiness.

“Yay Auntie Dwulie!” Bandit yelled.
“JULES!” The guys cheered.
“Feeling better?” Lindsey asked. I nodded, wiping away my tears.
“Aw don’t cry!” Frank said.
“They’re happy tears,” I explained.
“Oh… Okay!” he smiled. I laughed.
“Did you guys have dinner yet?”
“Sadly, but there’s always dessert!” Ray said.
“Dessert sounds good,” I smiled.
“To the kitchen!” Bob declared marching off, soldier style. The rest of the guys followed suit. Bandit laughed but didn’t let go. I picked her up and carried her into the kitchen.

“What kind of ice cream?” Lindsey asked while taking out bowls and spoons.
“CHOCOLATE,” I said.
“Yeah, make that two chocolates,” Frank said seconding my order.
“What flavor do you want, Bandit?” I asked.
“Calklet!” she smiled.
“Three chocolates,” I put in the updated order.
“Okay wow I think we are going to run out of chocolate,” she said.
“No! We can’t run out of chocolate!” Frank and I exclaimed.
“Umm, yeah we can.”
“No! I will die if there is no chocolate!” Frank said, dramatically swooning onto the counter for support.
“Get off Frank! Since when do you like chocolate?”
“Since now,” he stuck his tongue out at her.
“Wow Frank, really mature,” she said handing him, Bandit and I bowls with chocolate ice cream in them.

We all sat in the living room together and talked and ate until it was about 11:00.

“Hey guys, I hate to break this up, but it’s a school night,” I said standing up.
“Oh shit. I totally forgot about that! I should have told you to go to bed earlier!” Lindsey scolded herself.
“It’s okay, you’re new to this… mom thing,” I smiled at her. I haven’t said the word mom out loud in such a long time. It felt foreign on my lips in a painful way.
“Well, what are you waiting for? Get to bed!” She laughed pushing me toward the stairs.
“G’night guys!” I shouted.
“Night Jules!” they replied.

As soon as I got upstairs I hit the pillow and was out cold. I guess I was really tired.

**Fast-Forward to next morning.

I was a little late getting up and when I went downstairs everyone was passed out on the couch. There were a few bottles on the kitchen table. I felt my stomach drop. Had Gerard been drinking? I walked over to the living room and saw one bottle next to him and Lindsey, who was tucked under his arm. They both looked super tired and so did the rest of the guys. Seeing that I wasn’t going to get a ride any time soon, I pulled out my phone and looked for Billie’s number. He picked up after three rings.

“Hello?”
“Hey Billie?”
“Hey Jules. What’s up?”
“Is it possible for you to come and pick me up and take me to school today? Everyone got drunk last night and I know I live a little out of the way but if you wouldn’t mind that would be-”
“Jules, it’s fine. You don’t have to explain anything, your parents are rock stars,” he laughed. I laughed along.
“Thanks, Billie.”
“No prob little sis. See you in five.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.” I hung up and went into the kitchen to get my lunch money. After that I grabbed my coat and book-bag and waited by the front door.

I looked in the hallway mirror and noticed my bangs were growing out and they were past my chin. I kind of liked it, but they were getting in my face way too much. I grabbed a brush and pushed all of my hair out of my face. I looked totally different with my hair back! I liked it. I fixed my glasses and put a bobby pin over my bangs. I heard the honk of Billie’s car and rushed outside pulling my coat around my neck to keep warm.

There was at least two inches of snow on the ground and the wind was so ferocious. I quickened my pace and sat in my usual spot in the back. Juliana and Tom were also there. I smiled and the car ride was a peacefully silent. It was too early in the morning to have a conversation.

Billie dropped us off in the front and Tom and I continued inside and up to our lockers. Before we went our separate ways, he grabbed me by my hand and said,

“I know something happened. You don’t look the same. Did I say something?” I almost died of a heart attack, that boy was just too sweet! I sighed, where to begin with this horrific love story?

“Tom trust me, it wasn’t you. I will talk to you later okay?” I nodded at him and smiled. He nodded and continued toward his locker. Today at lunch I would ask Juliana if he really likes me. I hope he does.

**Fast-Forward to lunch

I walked down to the cafeteria and after waving hello to everyone, joined my little clique at the end of the table, which consisted of Billie, Lizzy, JoAnn, Mike, Juliana, and Tom. I made sure I sat next to Juliana and made small talk with everyone until lunch was almost over. Finally everyone went into their own conversations.

“So I have a question,” I began.
“Yeah? What’s up?”
“Please be honest with me when I ask you this: does Tom really like me? Or are you and Billie trying to set us up?”
“It’s that obvious?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“Of course he’s into you! He just needs some help so Billie and I are just pushing him along. You two would look so cute together!”
“So he really does like me?”
“Yes.”
“And you’re sure that he really likes me?”
“Yes! He liked you from the first day! Before you told everyone you had superstar parents and stuff. Trust me, Tom’s a great guy. Don’t stress it, really. We are just trying to help you guys. So, why did you disappear off the face of the earth for the whole winter vacation?”

I knew this question would come up. I sighed and just dived into the whole thing, getting angry at some parts but for the most time kept my cool. By the time I was done, without realizing it, the whole lunch table was listening and gasping in the right places. I couldn’t help but suppress a bitter laugh at the end.

“I’m getting over that bastard,” I declared at the end. Clapping and cheering erupted and I felt my face blush for not noticing that everyone had listened.
“Thanks guys,” I smiled sheepishly. They all smiled and nodded and went back to finishing their lunch.

The bell rang and we all went towards the stairs. As we were walking someone pulled me by the arm backwards. I didn’t hesitate to follow thinking it was Kat or Billie. However, when I turned to see who it was I immediately wished that I hadn’t followed.

“Jimmy, what do you want?” I asked as politely as I could.
“I heard what you said at lunch, all of that stress must be hard for you.”
“I’m getting over it,” I said not liking the way he was talking. The hallway was emptying and there were less people. Class was going to start soon.
“Well how about we get out of here? Just for today.” He said stroking my face. I stepped back, shivering. However, a much as I was disgusted, I was intrigued. I had never…cut school before.
“Jimmy, it’s illegal.”
“When has that ever stopped someone?” I looked at his tattooed body and sighed. Obviously rules had never applied to him.
“But it’s cold outside.”
“So? All the more reason to stick together.” These last words made me step back even further. I decided it was time to put my foot down.
“ Look you horndog, I don’t want to cut school; especially if it’s with you!”
“C’mon Juliet, you know you want to replace that gap that you have inside your heart. You still love Tim. And what better way to get over him then finding someone new who will love you?” I stepped back, feeling hollow inside.
“That’s not true,” I lied more to myself than to him.
“Don’t try to fool yourself. You miss him. And think,” he stepped forward stroking my face again, “we could have the rest of the day together. Just you and me.” I shuddered. Images of what could possibly happen whizzed in my head and my brain loved it.
“That’s right, just you and me,” he coaxed dragging me towards the front doors. I followed until we got to the doors. He put his hand on the door knob.

Suddenly, I got the better of myself and pulled away.
“I. AM. NOT. CUTTING!” I yelled and ran up the stairs to my locker. I heard the secretary come into the hallway and catch Jimmy. I got my books and rushed off to math. I got there just in time for the bell.

Lizzy, who sat next to me, looked at me curiously because I was never this late to class and I took out my phone under my desk and texted her:
I’ll explain later.
She nodded and didn’t say anything for the rest of the lesson.

When the bell rang I texted her that Jimmy started bothering me and she replied:
omg that horndog.
I laughed and told her that’s exactly what I called him.

The rest of the day flew by and it was time to go home. I assumed that everyone was still asleep or had hangovers so I decided I’d walk home. I didn’t want to bother Billie again. I stepped out the front doors and shivered. It had snowed more while we were in school and there was at least four inches now. I kept my head low and was about to cross the street when I heard a car honk. I looked up to see Ray driving Gerard’s car. I immediately rushed over.

“Ray! What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Picking you up from school!”
“But, I thought everyone had hangovers.”
“No Gerard and I didn’t drink, we just fell asleep.”
“Oh okay,” I sighed relieved.
“Well what are you waiting for? Get in!” He laughed.

I opened the door and sat down. The warmth of the car felt so good after being outside.

“Thanks for picking me up.”
“No problem.”

He pulled out of the school grounds and got on the main road. It felt awkward to be in the car with Ray, because I never really talked to him. I pulled back the sleeves of my coat and held up my hands to the air vents so that they could be warm.

“Hey, I think you have something on your wrist,” Ray said pointing to my arm. I felt my stomach drop. My band-aid had started to peel off. I quickly pulled it off.
“Oh t-that’s nothing,” I replied trying to make it seem like nothing. I put my hand around my wrist and looked out the window.

“What happened?” he asked.
“Oh nothing, I got scratched, that’s all,” I replied still looking out the window.
“Really? It looks deeper than that.” I turned to face him and saw that he looked skeptical. I burst into tears. He pulled over on the side of the road.

“I did it,” I sobbed. “I did it!”
“Why?”
“Because-because I just got so angry!”
“Over what?” I sobbed more and decided I had to tell someone.
“I-my-it’s-“ I couldn’t say his name.
“Calm down, take a deep breath,” he said looking at me, concerned.
“My… ex-boyfriend cheated on me.” He nodded for me to continue.
“He cheated on me with this slutty, fake-tanned bitch.”
“Is that why you didn’t come that night from Manhattan?”
“Yes. But you don’t understand, Ray. I’ve known Ti-him since I was born. We were so close for all of those years and it was like a fairy tale. We were just meant to be. And then he cheated on me. I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock I guess. I just went into a deep depression. Yesterday night, I woke up and when I looked in the mirror I-I wanted to punch it. He turned me into something ugly, and I was so angry at myself for letting him get to me.”

“I can see how you could be upset at that,” he nodded understandingly. I took a deep breath and continued.
“I was so angry that I picked up the razor and held it to my wrist. But, at first, I couldn’t do it. I was too scared. But then I got angry at myself for letting him get to me that way and I took it and just cut my wrist. It hurt so much. Right after I did it I got nauseous and I thought I was going to be sick, but I didn’t and I just cleaned it up and went downstairs. I promised to myself that I would never cut again and that I would get over him.”

“That’s good,” Ray nodded.
“I was doing good too until this afternoon.”
“What happened?”
“This kid Jimmy pulled me aside before we had to go back to class and he wanted to cut school with me. And it was like he was right inside my head. He told me that I was still missing…Tim and that he could replace him and he said he knew that I wanted someone new to be with and he was so convincing and-and I almost went with him. But I pulled myself away and ran screamed and ran up the steps and the secretary came out and caught him.”

“Wow. Good for you!” he said seeming impressed.
“Thanks,” I replied, “but it’s always like this. Jimmy is like a big temptation following me around everywhere I go, all the time.”
“If you want me and the guys to take care of him we will,” Ray said.
“No, no, no. I don’t want to cause any more trouble with him. Besides, I usually have Billie or Tom or Kat there to help me.”
“That’s good. But Jules, we are all here for you. And if you ever need to talk to someone I’m here.”
“Thank you, Ray” I said leaning over and hugging him.
“No problem,” he smiled. “And, if you didn’t know, Mikey almost started cutting himself when he was your age. You could talk to him too.”
“Okay, I will,” I smiled.

Ray put the car back in drive and even though we didn’t talk, it was a comfortable silence. The kind of silence that brings you peace of mind and hope that things will get better.