That sinking feeling was back, the one that forms in the pit of my stomach and forces my heart up into my throat. I had now been living with it for about two weeks, and honestly, I was starting to get used to it.

I looked up at Gerard, walking silently beside me, a small smile playing with the corners of his mouth. We were wandering through yet another unfamiliar town, one we had just arrived in, late at night. We weren't looking for anything, we were just quietly walking, hand in hand, occasionally stopping to look up at the night sky. I wondered how he could be so calm and together.

The past six months since Gerard and I had been reunited had been some of the best times of my life, but at the same time, some of the worst. No, not because of Gerard, who I still loved with every fiber of my being, and not because of any of the guys. No, I had fallen apart. According to the shrink I had finally been talked into seeing, I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I was now terribly frightened that Gerard had had enough. Of me.

It had started not long after I had moved in with Gerard. Well, technically, with Frank, because six months later, we were still staying with him. Anyway, Gerard and I had been going to visit some old friends of his, and had driven through Hoboken. We had passed a seedy looking bar, all boarded up, with a sign above it reading 'Seager's Pub'. Immediately, my breathing became heavy, and I started to cry. Actually, I think I had a panic attack. It was the bar that Phil had owned. Soon, I was having daily panic attacks and strange crying fits. I had become paranoid, afraid to go outside at night alone, and I had even become squeamish at the sight of blood.

Gerard had been wonderfully supportive, his presence was almost always able to calm me, and I clung to him like a security blanket. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere without him, and I knew that it had been hard on him. I felt like my entire personality had been stripped away, leaving me a useless nothing, just sitting there like a bump on a log. Of course, I wasn't the only one having problems. Mikey and Bob, too, had symptoms similar to my own, and I knew they were both seeing the same shrink that I was. There was comfort in knowing you weren't the only one, even if it was a grim comfort. After four months of intensive psychotherapy, I was finally beginning to get back to normal. I was finally able to smile, to laugh, and the panic attacks were almost gone. I had even stitched up a kid a few nights before after one of the guys' shows in St. Louis. I was healing, but I was deathly afraid that it was too late, that Gerard had already become fed up. I looked up at him again.

"I love you," I whispered. He turned and looked down at me, smiling widely.

"I love you too, sweetheart," he replied, and bent to kiss my cheek. I smiled now, the tenseness in the pit of my stomach loosening. "Should we go back?" I nodded, and we turned, retracing my steps. I rested my head on his shoulder as we walked back to the bus.

It was still fairly early, for us, anyway, when we reached our temporary home, and we knew everyone else would still be at some bar somewhere. Gerard and I never joined them, it was too much temptation for him, and I was fine with that. I had never been much of a drinker anyway. So it was a surprise when we entered, and heard raised voices coming from the bunk area.

"What the fuck, Tori?" It was definitely Bob's voice, and Gerard and I looked uncertainly at each other. Tori had joined us unexpectedly the day before, she had been busy with school, and we had all been thrilled to see her. Now, however, that feeling in my stomach came back tenfold.

"Should we go?" I whispered to Gerard.

"Yeah, I think we should," Gerard whispered back.

"Fine! You do that!" Bob shouted again. We turned to leave, but before we could get outside, Bob came rushing into the front room, pushing past us, and racing off the bus.

"What the fuck was that?" Gerard said.

"I don't know," I replied. "Do you think you should go after him?" Gerard sighed, and ran his hand through his hair.

"I really don't know if I should, but I'm gonna anyway," he replied. "Will you be ok here by yourself?"

"Of course!" I replied. "Just be careful, and call me and stuff." He smiled at me, and nodded, kissing me quickly, and rushing off after Bob. I stood there for a moment, before taking a deep breath, and heading into the bunk area. "Tori?" I called uncertainly. The curtain to Bob's bunk, on the bottom right, was pulled back, and Tori sat there, looking up at me with tears running down her face. "What happened?"

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, before falling back onto Bob's bunk, sobbing. I immediately sat on the side of the bed, and began rubbing her back.

"Shh, it's ok," I whispered. "Can you tell me about it?"

"It... It's over," she cried into Bob's pillow.

"No, of course it's not!" I said softly. "You just had a fight, you'll make up. Bob loves you!"

"Yeah but..." Tori began, and then she struggled to sit up, and wiped the tears out of her eyes, suddenly looking very composed. "No, Angel, it IS over. I ended it. I met someone else." I stared at her in shock, my mouth hanging open.

"What!?" I cried after a few minutes. She merely nodded.

"His name is John, and he's a med student. You'd really like him, Angel." I continued to stare at her. "I fell in love with him," she added eventually.

"But Bob loves you. You love Bob," I whispered.

"Yes, and part of me will probably always love Bob, but I just can't do it anymore Angel, I can't! I need someone, I'm tired of being the strong one. I just can't deal with the night terrors and panic attacks anymore, I can't!" Tori was shouting at me now, on her feet and pacing up and down the narrow hallway, wringing her hands. I simply sat on the edge of Bob's bed, staring at her. After a few moments, she stopped pacing, and sat down beside me. "I just really hate hurting him like this." I nodded, and we sat for a few minutes. Eventually, she pulled her phone out of her pocket and flipped it open. "I'm calling a cab," she said softly, and I nodded again.

Through a haze, I heard her talking to a cab company. All I could think of, however, was the fact that she had had enough. She'd had enough of Bob, and if she could do that... Would Gerard have enough of me?

"They'll be here in ten minutes," she said, snapping me out of my reverie. She got up and slung her overnight bag over her shoulder, and walked into the front room. After a moment, I got up and followed her. She didn't sit in the front room, she walked straight off the bus, and sat on the steps. I sat down beside her.

"Does Charlotte know about this?" I asked after a few moments. Charlotte had been home with Tori all this time, working on her show. I almost couldn't bear knowing whether or not Charlotte had hidden this from me. And from Frank.

"No, of course not! I didn't think it was fair to tell anyone until Bob knew," she replied. I nodded yet again. "But I'll have to tell her soon, I want to move in with John."

"I see," I whispered.

"Please, Angel, try and understand. I don't want you to hate me," she said softly.

"I'm trying, Tori, really I am. I'm just really surprised. And I could never hate you, but..." I paused, trying to figure out what to say next. "I hate that you've hurt Bob, and you really really have."

"I know," she whispered, a tear slipping down her cheek. "But Angel, I think John is my Gerard, if you know what I mean." I nodded, and wrapped my arms around her, hugging her tightly. I could see a black car pulling in to the parking lot over her shoulder. It pulled up in front of the bus, and a man in a driver's uniform got out.

"Good luck," I whispered in her ear.

"Thank you," she replied. "I love you."

"I love you too, sweetie. Be careful." She nodded to me, and got up. She picked up her bag and walked, very erectly, to the car. The driver opened the door for her, and she threw her bag into the back seat, before turning to face me, and sending me a small wave, which I returned. Then she got in the car, and the driver closed the door behind her. I sat there on the steps of the bus and watched as she drove away.